Yuku free message boards

Hello, avatar-less, lackluster poster with the stupid name I've never noticed before!

Thank you for your question about Maggie's breed and your dire concerns for her dental health.

Maggie is a Golden Retriever/Cocker Spaniel mix. She leans strongly to the Golden Retriever side of her DNA, though. Everyone asks what kind of dog Maggie is when they see her outside. One little skateboarder punk said: "That's a tight mix, dude!" I agree -- she's a "tight mix."

Of course I give Maggie candy. I feed her candy every single day. It's a lot cheaper than dog food, in the long run. You can pick up a bag of hard candies or Tootsie Rolls for a dollar. And once the sugar rush kicks in, she doesn't really care anymore about eating nutritiously. In fact, sometimes I have to strap her down at night just to get her to settle. If that doesn't work, I find that a couple capsules of Benadryl usually do the trick.

The Bible says that I, as man, have dominion over the animals. So I figure I can fuck with them in whatever way I want and I won't have to worry about it when Jesus comes to take me home. And really, just because Jesus could multiply fish by magic doesn't mean that those newly created fish didn't have a happy life in the ocean before he made them appear. The Bible doesn't talk about that, though. Probably they were swimming joyously in a salty sea and suddenly -- POOF! -- they're flapping around on the desert sand, suffocating to death just so Jesus could have his fucking little dinner party. If Jesus is allowed to do that, I can certainly feed Maggie candy. Think about it...

Below is a pictorial of how poorly I treat my dog. I hope you enjoy get as much entertainment out of it as I do.



Maggie's lollipops (Dum-Dums and mini Charms) and Mike's Lemonade hard candy drops. She likes all the flavors, but I think she has a preference for grape. The thing is, grape is MY favorite, too. So she can't have any of the grape. FUCK HER.



Maggie's salt-water taffy. Did you know that you can freeze salt water taffy, toss it in the food processor along with the lollipops and sour drops and it will blend right up without gumming the blades? There's also no need to remove the sticks from the lollipops -- they grind up, too. And Maggie doesn't seem to notice them. I fix her two bowls of this every day and sometimes pour a little Kool Ade over it. It's a myth that dogs need fresh water all the time. Just those PETA freaks trying to get attention. Maggie drinks Mountain Dew and Raspberry Cream Dr. Pepper and she doesn't even care if it is flat and warm. That's the kind of dog she is... nary a complaint.



See how badly she wants it? But it's not dinner time yet so she can't have any. Ha-ha!



To the far left you can see those Tootsie Rolls I mentioned earlier. They're fruit-flavored! I'm not crazy about the chocolate ones. And chocolate is bad for dogs, you know. Look how she's trying to take a surreptitious lick. You see that? Maggie LOVES her Tootsie Rolls. Hell, who doesn't?



You know what else is fun? Sometimes I take a Pixie Stick and SHOVE IT DIRECTLY INTO HER ASSHOLE. Just the little ones wrapped in paper, not the Giant Pixie Sticks that are encased in plastic straws. The paper on the little Pixie Sticks dissolves rapidly once inside a dog's asshole. This way, the sugar is more or less INJECTED DIRECTLY INTO HER COLON, where it is absorbed even faster into her bloodstream. Have you ever heard about people doing alcohol enemas in order to get seriously fucked up on just a little bit of booze? It's like that. Now, alcohol enemas are extremely dangerous and I hope no one ever considers trying anything like that. But a Pixie Stick Anal Popper... good times... good times... (Now you know what to do with your weekend, OT!)



When I can arrange it, I like to invite some of the neighborhood dogs over and I put Maggie into a kennel and ignore her and make her watch while I lavish the new dogs with love and affection and healthy foods. You should see how sad she looks.



See these toys? They're all MADE IN CHINA. Some of them are just toxic, others have loose parts that she can chew off and choke on. So far she's always managed to spit out the buttons and stuff like that, though. I keep a close eye on her when she's playing with her Chinese toys. Unless I fall asleep. Or I'm watching TV. Or having sex. Or eating or not in the house or whatever -- then she's on her own. I think it builds character in a dog to leave them alone for extended periods of time, don't you?



You'd think from this photo that Maggie is just snoozing peacefully with her toys, but in reality she's passed out from a chemical reaction in the squeaker parts which produced a noxious vapor. She woke up the next day, though. A little bit of blood-crust on her nose, but otherwise she was OK.

Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I do buy her actual dog food to eat. Every time there's a recall on pet food, odds are good that if you hurry to Wal Mart you can get it before they take it off the shelves. If you tell the manager that it's recalled, usually he'll give you a discount. Or sometimes you can find it on Craig's List FOR FREE. Feeding a pet recalled food is good for them in the long run, you know. It builds immunity and toughens them up in general. I'm pretty sure Maggie is completely resistant to salmonella and e coli by now. It's like when parents expose their kids to the chicken pox just to get it over with. I'm only thinking of her future.

I sure hope you feel better about my care and treatment of my dog after this explanation.

Maggie goes to the vet like clockwork once every seven years. Unfortunately, her mange is cleared up at the moment but I have some mites on order from Germany -- they should be here soon (German mange mites are far superior to American mites, trust me on this). All of Maggie's fleas are imported from India, too. They have more than enough fleas to spare in India. In fact, it's a thriving business -- mail order Indian fleas -- and a big part of their economy. I feel as though I should help the Indian people by purchasing my fleas from them. Oh, sure... it's a little more for shipping and handling costs but MY DOG IS WORTH IT.

Mmmm... Pixie Sticks...

Love, love love Punkin's drunk doggy. That's a frame-worthy photo. I laughed -- for real. And that doesn't happen often here at OT anymore for me.

Truly sorry about your baby, Voo. I know how devastating that can be. I think we all know... Someone else I am very fond of lost her dear dog this week, too. Here's hoping you both heal quickly and focus on the good memories and wonderful lives you gave to your pets.


A lighter note:

Maggie's FAVORITE treat of all time?

LETTUCE.

In fact, it was lettuce that turned her into a counter-surfing kitchen monster. When the fridge opens, she sniffs the crisper first, even if I have leftover steak in there somewhere -- she wants that lettuce. She can be sound asleep and as soon as she hears the scrunching of the lettuce wrapper -- BANG -- she's ready and waiting for her crunchy, fibrous, non-nutritious, mostly water and cellulose treat.

I can't refuse her, and don't really care to. She loves all vegetables, actually, but lettuce is tops. Vet said it's a good treat. Harmless and not much different from the grass dogs eat outside.

Just take a look at the LETTUCE MANIA in her eyes:



Yes, she's a lettuce-junkie.

I wanted this pic to come out a little better, but what it lacks in composition and focus it more than makes up for in FUNNY. (At least I think so.)