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ZOMG first write-up! :O

92. Joey Paulino (Miami)
10th/15 Place



If you watched the godawful third season of the show, then you may remember Joey Paulino. Joey rubbed me the wrong way from DAY ONE. "I'm from New York, I come to kick ass!" Yeah, right.

He struck me as the kind of guy who believed himself to be the shit, and whenever he fucked up his own dishes, he blamed it on everyone else. For example, in the second QuickFire challenge, he made some sort of watermelon drink. In the Elimination Challenge, Hung made a watermelon spritzer. This pissed Joey off, and blamed him being in the bottom over Hung stealing his drink from the previous challenge, when he himself made shitty food for a barbecue. WTF?

Luckily Howie shut his fat ass down, saying at least he "didn't bitch like a little girl" in the stew room, and you'd think that they'd now be a rivalry between these two fat asses. WRONG! They become buddy buddies, which confused the hell outta me. Anyway, the rest of his time there, he still blamed everyone else for his own demise, and failed spectacularily at the frozen food challenge when he didn't listen to Hung constantly telling him the correct way to execute the challenge. Maybe if Hung smacked him in the head with a chopping board he'd have finished further and eliminated Howie or Sara Mair, but oh well. Not losing any sleep over it.

Ingridient: Tri-colored fusilli. Because his dumbass picked it for the frozen food challenge, right after Howie had a confessional that it sucks ass.

91. Frank Terzoli (Los Angeles)
09th/15 Place



At the start of this season, I honestly couldn't tell you a thing about him, except that he hated "hacks", or something like that. If he didn't like someone, he'd call them a hack, as if that's the worse thing you can possibly call someone. Really.

He wasn't that memorable at all until the Thanksgiving episode except for one time where he got really angry in the stew room during the asian team challenge (I think, I don't really care). "We're supposed to be a team, and everyone's looking out for THEIR OWN ASS!" Oh, and his fucked up mushroom Smurf village at the T.G.I.Friday's challenge.

But anyway, during the Thanksgiving episode, he won immunity in the QuickFire challenge and didn't have to cook in the Elimination challenge. Betty, Carlos, Elia, Marcel, and Michael had to cook in the kitchens in their lofts and Marcel and Michael took their cooking elsewhere to the men's loft. The kitchen was messy as hell, and Marcel took Frank's toiletries and moved them onto the floor in a small bucket. Frank gets mad at this, and the next morning gets right in Marcel's face and while having his index and middle finger pointing right at his own eyeballs, says, "Look at me. If you ever touch any of my personal belongings again, I will beat you so bad that your mother will not recognize you."

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? Cracka, chill. He didn't touch your shitty family photos, your children's mementos, or any of that personal stuff. It's fucking toiletries that you can get for under $5 at K-Mart that don't amount to jack shit. Then in the next episode, he calls Michael a hack in one of his confessionals because he thinks he doesn't deserve to be here, then gets eliminated at the beach breakfast challenge the next day, lol. Karma's a bitch, Frank!

Ingridient: Cannoli cream, cuz his dumb ass thought it'd be a good idea to make a parfait on the beach for a bunch of surfers.

90. Leah Cohen (New York)
06th/17 Place



Was I supposed to think that Leah was hot during this season? Like the "girl next door that's mega hot and can cook her ass off"? Because that wasn't the case at all, and I'm not picky with my women.

I wish I could say definitively why I dislike Leah, but I can't. She just irks me, I don't know why. The few times she's on the show, she annoys me with her voice, her attitude, I don't know. I guess it might be because of her constant flirting with Hosea, the way that kiss was hyped up beyond belief...the fact that she and Hosea got Ariane booted...OH WAIT, NOW I KNOW!

At the farm challenge, Ariane, Hosea, and Leah were paired up to cook some lamb from Dan Barber's farm. Because Hosea and Leah didn't want to take responsibility if the lamb turned out shitty, they gave Ariane the chance to cook it. However, the method Ariane was to cook the lamb required precise knotting the ties so the lamb could cook evenly. Leah fucked that up, and the lamb was shit. Leah refused to acknowledge that she screwed up the lamb, and Ariane got the boot because she cooked it, even that Leah didn't do shit! Ugh, frustrated the hell outta me.

Then came the Le Bernadin episode. After prep and a few beers, Leah and Hosea got on a couch, cuddled, and kissed. Bravo hyped it up as being something that was, "ZOMG, SO SCANDALOUS" when both Leah and Hosea had someone at home they had to go home to. First of all, how the hell can someone think that someone like Hosea--HOSEA--was attractive, and was like, "I totally regret kissing him". You both have someone back home, why fuck it up over Hosea? Give me a break.

I don't care anymore to talk about Bleah, except thank GAWD she didn't get the chance to come back in the Outcast twist.

Ingridient: White asparagus, because for some stupid reason, she has hates it with a passion during the soup QuickFire. Here you go, bitch.

89. Mike Isabella (Las Vegas)
07th/17 Place



There's this other cooking show on FOX called "Hell's Kitchen," where shitty cooks get the chance to be a chef at one of Gordon Ramsey's restaurants. I don't know why in the world you'd want to work for Gordon Ramsey, but I guess there's a draw there. Anyway, he always divides the show's cast in men vs. women, and the men are always sexist pigs who think that women should only be housewives and suck their dicks. Apparently, Mike Isabella got lost along the way to the show and randomly wound up on Top Chef.

The best way I can describe Mike is "that guy". You know all know a "that guy" in high school or in your life when they suck at life and believe their hot shit? "That guy" who believes that because they force themselves on someone with talent or that actually knows what the hell they're doing, they are as good as them? "That guy" who's an annoying little twat and bullies others? That is the very definition of Mike Isabella.

"Jennifer wins again, and I think this is favoritism at this point" was his reaction to Jennifer winning the potato (was that the one before the Thunderbirds Elimination? Bleh) QuickFire. No, Mike. You just SUCK. Later that episode, he made a shitty Greek salad, and because he was with Michael, and he made something awesome, they were in the top. He thought he was safe, and when Padma said, "Um, no, your dish sucked, stay behind", he had a fit about it.

An episode or two later, the potluck Elimination challenge came, and he was paired up with Robin. He was pissed off that he was with Robin (who BTW, is a cancer g0ddess and we'll get to her later), and instead of trying to make this partnership work, he took the lead on the whole dish, wouldn't let her do anything. And the stuff he did make her do, he "threw out". What an asshole!

Eventually, his unfounded hatred about Robin would lead to a karmic conclusion, as he was eliminated at the vegetarian challenge for making a shitty dish. <3 Sexism doesn't win y'all!

Ingridient: Leeks, cuz he fucked it up big time.