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I ruin everything. I know this. I am sorry.


Let me make amends.



"Oh, my God. You are incredibly beautiful. I wake up thinking about you, I work all day thinking about you, I go to sleep each night thinking about you. I could stare into your eyes forever, gaze upon your exquisite face until time stops. I love how you feel when I hold you close. We are a perfect fit, your body and mine, our hearts and souls together. I love how you feel, how you smell, how you taste, and the sound of your voice sends shivers through me. I can't stop looking at you. You are the most gorgeous creation I have ever seen. I have never felt this way before in my life. You are every dream I've ever had and a million more I didn't even know were possible. My knees get weak when we kiss and my heart races just when I hold your hand in mine. And it's not just that you are so lovely on the outside, it is everything about you, everything on the inside, you are such a perfect, amazing, tender, loving, affectionate and thoughtful person. I don't know what I did to deserve you and I can't believe my good fortune. I want to spend every day of my life at your side, caring for you, protecting you, sharing the journey of our lives together, the good times and the sad times: I am your rock, I am your friend, I love you with all my heart. No love story in the movies can ever compare to this. I didn't want this, I didn't ask for this, I thought I didn't need this. And then, there you were, and you changed my entire world. Truly, you are a gift. A miracle. My stars, my sun, my moon. Oh, God. I love you.

Now please suck my dick, OK?"






How's that?

I do all sorts of thoughtful and considerate bullshit, too.

I'll bring flowers for NO REASON other than I love you.

I'll make note of all your favorite desserts and I'll bring those for you, too.

I'll consult you about appetizers before I order but I'll already know what you want to drink and I'll ask for it so you don't have to.

I'll go to that one store where you admired the thing in the window while you are down the street in another store and I'll buy that thing for you, then I'll give it to you later when you mention it again and how you wished you could buy it but it was kind of expensive and then -- POOF! It's in your hands.

I'll say sweet things about your Mom and I'll even make myself believe them.

I'll hold open doors and I'll carry your bags and I will learn where you store all your groceries so I can put them away for you.

Your dog will ADORE ME. Guaranteed.

I'll give you the remote control even when I don't want to.

I will NOTICE when you get a haircut and I'll tell you how amazing you look in whatever clothes you are wearing and I'll instantly see when you've changed something in your house and I'll tell you it looks great that way.





And you'll suck my dick.

Big time.

If I were dating BabyPlease, I would purchase a $600 hydroponics kit and set it up in my basement. I would order seeds from Hawaii or Thailand and I would tenderly cultivate them, researching all I needed to know about fertilizers and light requirements and exactly how to exhaust the smell so the neighbors don't figure it out.

After the harvest, I'd package up giant bags and decorate them with raffia and probably I'd cut out paper flowers and assemble them petal by petal on homemade gift-wrap.

I'd include a brand new bong in her favorite color, too.

Probably I'd give her the bong first, knowing she'd get a kick out of it, but then I'd give her the reefer and she'd go NUTS.




And she would totally suck my dick.