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Yeah, I'm not dead. I figured since we have the first three minutes and I have some time to kill, why not. This could be a one time thing, or who knows, maybe I'll have time and not be lazy and actually watch some of these episodes (I've only seen maybe 5 since Erik was booted in Micronesia, if you know me, you'll know why I stopped there.) Oh yeah, I'm also doing it because Russell has been controlling my mind ever since the 17th time I saw that commercial. So without further ado:

We start with your typical location shots and Pirates of the Caribbean music again. I hope this means we get a Rupert appearance! Jeff describes Samoa and says it's been virtually untouched by civilization. Awesome, Samoa is just like the private parts of 90% of the people who post on this message board!



We get a first glimpse of the Survivors in canoes. Whose brilliant idea was it to have Mike and Russell in the same boat? They're 500 pounds combined on a good day. That thing looks like it's already halfway to capsizing. Poor SuperJude, guess they don't drown so his hope that someone dies on the show is yet to be fulfilled.



Jeff says that although they haven't spoken, first impressions are already forming, and the camera focuses on Brett. Hmm, this guy's a fashion designer in a purple tshirt? Must be a flaming homosexual! Well, that's my first impression, anyway. But Brett describes his first impression of Shannon as someone who will naturally be their leader. Apparently he's confusing her with Russell Swan, because to me she looks like a bestiality exhibitionist. Shannon says she's a people magnet and people say to her "this chick rocks, we love her." She must work in an asylum.



Marisa looks behind her because she's terrified that Russell's going to try to sodomize her with his oar. I'd bet money that the second she sat down in the boat he jumped in right behind her cause hey, if he gotta waste his energy rowin' the canoe, might as well check out that fine girl's ass while doin' it. (If you look three pictures above of everyone rowing he's clearly staring at the butt of dictatorshit's jerkit material.) She says he looks like a pit bull and that she wouldn't want to mess with him. Or mess around with him, which makes Russell cry in the boat.



Russell says he's going to make it miserable for everyone on the island. Which means he's going to walk around naked. With Marisa having already turned down his advances, Russell sets his sights on his next target: Mike.

Jeff finishes his little spiel that he says every year, only this time you can tell which parts were recorded in studio and which were from out in Samoa because of how bad the audio syncing is.



They show the boats again, and the other yellow boat takes the lead! Someone needs to tell Russell that this isn't a challenge and he doesn't need to start his sabotaging yet. Wait, you mean he's not trying to sabotage, he's just fat and slowing it down? Oh, my bad.

Opening cred....OMG HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE AN INTRO, HOW WILL THE FIRST BOOT GO ON WITH THEIR LIVES NOT HAVING AN INTRO!??!1 OMG I REFUSE TO WATCH THE SEASON NOW! I WANTED TO HEAR THE OPENING MUSIC AND SEE THE INTRO SHOTS SO BAD! I'M GOING TO GO CRY TO MY CATS NOW!

(To anyone who reacted that way, and there were a lot of you in the spoilers forum version of the thread, jesus, I don't even know what to say.)



As the boats get 'marooned', Russell looks at Mike, which scares him so much he falls over. And congratulations to everyone who picked Kelly in the 'Who will be the first Survivor that begs to be Silased' pool! Although Russell and Mike both take a close second. (For some reason this reminds me of that scene from the tail end of Requiem for a Dream where the hot chick shares an assdildo with the other random naked chick. I wonder if Russell plans on making his 'dumbass blonde' alliance partner share an assdildo with him to prove her loyalty.)



Jeff tells them their tribes, etc. and says they have to select a leader, which for some reason makes Natalie look sick. She looks like the blonde puppet from Team America World Police after some rough sex. He throws paper and pens over and of course after Natalie catches it, Russell grabs it from her hands. As Jeff says "decide who looks like they can lead your tribe," the camera cuts to...Monica? Really? The girl who is probably going to have two confessionals before her boot episode? Nice job editors.

More later...Ah who am I kidding, probably not more later. But yeah, enjoy the premiere, and if this is it for awhile, the other episodes.