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305. Ozzy Lusth (Survivor: Micronesia - 9th Place)

You guys are funny, predicting Ozzy for the wrong spot, although I guess the first clue was a bit vague. Anyway, what is it with 9th boots of returning players being such extreme pricks? Note that this only includes large casts of returning players, as opposed to Bobby Jon, who only knew Steph and what a bitch she could be. I've gotta say that Ozzy in Micronesia probably hurt more than Lex in All-Stars, mainly because I liked Ozzy a lot in Cook Islands. I thought he was cool and I love a good challenge whore every once in a while. Plus he was absolutely gorgeous. Then he comes back for Micronesia with that hideous haircut and I was like, "Ugh."

Ozzy dropped dramatically for two reasons. First off, he was part of the horrible couples' alliance that pissed me off to no end, because it wound up being just a group of pretty people succeeding with no personalities. He had his friendship with Parvati, who while a good choice, was still pretty bland. And then worse, he started a showmance with Amanda, apparently cheating on his current girlfriend so he could suck face and probably beachfuck her several times. Watching those two was absolutely revolting. At least James and Parvati didn't really do too much of that showmance-y crap.

But what really pissed me off about Micronesia Ozzy was how cocky he'd gotten. It was probably the editting, but he didn't seem that bad in CI. In Micronesia, it was like he truly believed himself to be the God of all things Survivor. Malakal wins a reward challenge to go to a spa. One person has to go to Exile Island. Rather than let the women on his tribe go, Ozzy basically orders next boot Tracy to be stuck there with Jason, who she hated at the time. On her anniversary. Such a prick. You could see just how pissed off he was when Jason beat him in that first immunity challenge. He was probably wondering how some normal person could challenge a God. If only Jason had then yelled "This. Is. Airai!" and kicked Ozzy down a pit. Next challenge is simple endurance and Ozzy drops out like a total bitch for THREE DONUTS. Nevermind that he's a threat. He's so secure in his alliance that he drops out for three fucking donuts. And you know what happens next? Parvati and her legion of fangirls boots his ass a la Lex and Rob. It was one of the best blindsides ever, because he was such a douchebag and Eliza made it even better.

Then came his final jury statement where he does the whole "We were friends...why did you betray me?" speech. But then he makes it worse with the disgusting "I love you so much" speech to Amanda, like he was telling the jury to vote for her because he said so. That might've just been Lividmanda, but I don't care. Speaking of the jury, WTF was use with him dressing like a fucking stereotype. Are you fucking KIDDING me? He had NOTHING better than that to wear?

In the end, the only reason Ozzy ranks so highly over Lex, despite being extremely similar, is because Ozzy's fake idol was one of the best moments of Micronesia, plus he totally slammed Denise at the reunion show, which was one of the funniest things I've ever heard at a reunion show. He also gave a nice zinger to Probst too, if I recall correctly. Seriously, it kicked ass.


304. Matty Whitmore (Survivor: Gabon - 4th Place)

All of you thought this spot would go to Ozzy, but no, it went to an equally self-righteous douchebag, who unlike Ozzy, didn't have pre-game relationships to base anything on. Pre-show, I absolutely hated Matty because he seemed like the biggest douchebag mactor in the cast. Seriously, personal trainer from California...trust-fund baby...looks like a facially anorexic lesbian. Christ, this guy had some of the creepiest facial expressions of all time. It was like watching Joan Rivers try to smile, the skin pulled so tightly that you could see the bones in his face. Seriously, play a video of Matty on Halloween and I'm sure SOME sort of evil spirit will come to your house that night.

He started off on Fang, which I hated at first, and then after the swap, he wound up with the three people he hated most from his original tribe. Knowing that Kota had a numbers advantage, he could've toughed it out with them. But no. Instead, he jumped from sure numbers to Ace's side, for seemingly no reason other than him hating Crystal. And he couldn't even get THAT shit right. Ken managed to turn Ace's number one ally against him and Matty wound up in the minority, having voted like a complete jackass for Crystal. This comes up later. Basically, Matty wound up in a successful position through no fault of his own, but moreso because Crystal/Kenny did all the hard work and he benefitted from several twists.

Around the middle of the merge, Ken made a stupid move and voted for Matty. It wound up not mattering, as Matty didn't get voted out, but did he take it like a man? No. Crystal took it well enough when he nearly voted her out, and that was when she really could've been voted out because of him. In this case, he needed both Ken AND Crystal to vote him out, which they didn't. Yet he still whined like a bitch. And I think it was his whining that led to Crystal getting pissed and trashing him, which led to Sugar joining Matty against Ken/Crystal. So basically, the endgame of Gabon was moreso Matty's fault than Sugar's, and thankfully she corrected that by helping Bob win over him.

And one last thing, Matty's positive edit sickened me. He was constantly bitching about how shitty Fang was, which was supposed to make people like him because Fang was "evil". Nevermind that he contributed to that shittiness with his bad attitude. Also, he was always classified as a threat, despite having the worst challenge record in the game, I believe. Now that I think about it, only Crystal and MAYBE Ken did worse than him, and neither of them was supposedly an alpha male. And don't get me started on the whole marriage proposal. I don't like the notion of this guy having a girlfriend and having the possibility of reproducing. Ugh. Thank God Sugar made him lose instead of Bob.


303. JoAnna Ward (Survivor: Amazon - 13th Place)

Man, what is it with black women getting all up in the faces of deaf girls? Yes, that WAS a jab at Luke being a little bitch, thanks for asking. Unlike Kisha and Jen though, I am one-hundred percent on Christy's side in the war between those two. And honestly, The Hall of Shame article on JoAnna says best what I think about her. She's the kind of religious person that religious people get unfairly stereotyped as being. Hypocritical and far too willing to proclaim her faith from the mountaintops. For Christ's sake, it's an immunity idol. All you have to do is win immunity, it's not a big deal. Once you make the merge, it becomes a necklace and you never have to see the scary necklace every again. Jesus Christ, woman, get a grip on reality.

And then the confrontation with Christy was just nasty and wrong, and all based on JoAnna's hyper-religiousness. I mean, the deaf girl can't read lips at night, so she asks what happened. She's told that JoAnna went on about the idol being cursed or some stupid bullshit like that, and she makes a proper reaction of saying "That's stupid." Now JoAnna hears this, so what does she, the school guidance counseler who's supposed to be good at conflict resolution, do? She gets in Christy's face, yelling at her like she has the right to be offended. She even gets her hand up in Christy's face so Christy can't even understand what's being yelled at her due to the blockage preventing her from reading JoAnna's lips. I'm sure Christy was never more happy to be deaf than at that moment.


302. Burton Roberts (Survivor: Pearl Islands - 5th Place)

Of all the people who could possibly have been brought back by the Outcast twist, why did it have to be Burton? I mean, you have an extremely immature asshole like Burton, who for the first four days of the game cliqued up with Michelle and Shawn and basically poked fun at the "loser" members of the tribe who also happened to make up the five person majority (while the losers on Morgan wound up outnumbered). Then in episode four, when Drake was dominating and basically on its way to the first ever Ulonging, Burton decided that he was tired of Christa. Why, I don't know. I found her to be adorable. But he basically comes up with the brilliant plan of throwing a challenge in order to get rid of someone, solely because he didn't like her. Then he got booted that same episode for being a dumbass. Then his tribe went on to lose two more immunities and tie things up with Morgan. All because he didn't like Christa.

Anyway, Burton led the Outcasts to a victory where he, who basically fucked up more than ANYONE else aside from MAYBE Michelle, wound up being voted back into the game instead of Ryan, or Trish, both of whom would've been better choices. He came back, realigned with Drake, temporarily, and with Jon, basically made the game his own personal playground. Then he made yet another of the dumbest moves in Survivor history, taking Jon with him on reward, rather than Lill or ANY of the women, leaving them alone together to plot and scheme. He got his ass booted at the final 5 by Lill/Sandra/Darrah after he and Jon had targetted Lill, who had pledged loyalty to him. Then he had the nerve to bitch at her in his final words for betraying him. Apparently he forgot whose name he had written down that night. His jury speech was bitter and he, like so many others, didn't respect Lill just because she wasn't supposed to play the game due to being a scout master. He was a total douche all season and he pissed me off to no end.


301. Jon "Jonny Fairplay" Dalton (Survivor: Micronesia - 20th Place)

I'm somewhat of a Fairplay fan. I mean, he's a great character. And I don't hate him as a character for Micronesia. I just think that him being the first boot was the worst thing that could've happened on the show. I don't blame him for quitting. I mean, if his mouth was really in so much pain due to his fight with Danny Bonaduce, he should've left to get proper treatment. I blame him, however, for signing up in the first place. I mean, this wasn't a McNulty situation. They had replacement male favorites waiting in the wings, I'm sure. Hell, we might've even gotten someone in the cast from Palau or Guatemala. But for some reason, in spite of his pain, Fairplay thought he needed to do Fans vs. Favorites for his reputation. And then he quit. He proved he could control the game, yes, but then he quit like a little bitch. That saved the couples alliance and gave them six days to sway Cirie, which they managed to do, and it resulted in one of the worst final twos, entertainment-wise, ever. So yeah, even though Amanda pissed on the season, Fairplay's the one who really killed it with his round one quit. It could've been such a great season, too.

Small Town Boy wrote:

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