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Q. Why can't black males on Survivor participate in swimming challenges?

A. Shorting out the ankle monitor violates their parole.

Rupert and James are digging a swimming pool together one day, when James needs to take a leak. Not being the bashful type, James whips it out and lets loose on a palate of Portland cement, narrowly missing Rupert's Jerry Garcia lunch box. Rupert's eyes widen in astonishment and admiration, and he says to James "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, James--that's a schlong befitting a pirate! How can I grow a whacker like that?" James finishes his business, wipes his dick on Rupert's shirt, and coils it back up before replying "it's real simple, Rupert. Every night before I go to bed, I stretch it out and whack it three times hard against the bed post." Rupert mutters something inaudible under his breath and goes back to sawing an enormous root he had unearthed earlier that morning. That night before he climbs into bed, Rupert pulls out little Albert Hofmann, gently strokes it to get it long enough to wrap his thumb and forefinger around, and whacks it three times against the bed post. Rupert's wife stirs in her sleep, and says in a groggy voice "James? Is that you?!?"