What the...?

So you're relaxing on your porch after a storm, pretty much enjoying yourself when you notice the temperature going up, and fast. Like somebody just turned on an oven, and you're inside.

Then, a howling wind kicks up out of fucking nowhere and knocks you flat on your back right there on your own damn porch. And maybe takes the porch with it, too.

They call it a heat burst. They're as vicious as tornadoes, only tiny and even harder to predict. The first one on record is in Portugal, 1949, and while there were no official instruments to record the temperature, it was reported that it spiked from 100 to 158 degrees in only two horrifying minutes.

Then, just like that, it was gone.

What? How?!?

Like most of the items on this list, scientists only have an educated guess as to what causes these sudden, pants-shittingly rapid rises in temperature.

What we know is there is also a huge drop in moisture in the spot. They usually appear in the wake of a storm, so one explanation is that evaporated water mixes with air, which causes it to drop really fast. This compresses the air, and compressed air naturally heats up. Then it expands, creating a sudden wind that breaks shit.

We like to think of it as mother nature farting right in your face, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Chances of it Happening to YOU:

There have been four reported heat bursts in the United States this year. It's still a pretty slim chance the thing would actually hit your town, but it's not like you can really do anything about it if it does.

That's the thing, even a tornado gives you some warning. These things can just pop up and start smacking you with broken tree limbs. What could be worse than a sudden invisible mini-tornado?

What the...?

This one is like a scene from a horror movie. There you are, minding your own business, say, camping with your girlfriend. Then comes this strange sound, and the wind picks up. You can't tell which direction it's coming from...but it's close.

When you get up to investigate, BAM! You get slammed with a 100 mile an hour wind, and flung 500 feet away.

It's the fabled invisible tornado, or as we like to call it, the ninja tornado.

Photoshop courtesy of Bakudai.

What? How?!?

The only reason you can see a regular tornado is because of the dirt and water particles flying around in it. Its just swirling wind, after all.

However, tornadoes sometimes happen in places with little or no debris to pick up, like rocky deserts. All it takes is a vast difference in temperature between weather systems. In an environment with no moisture, you'll have a whirling cloud of death that you will never see coming.

No tornado here. Or is there?

Chances of it Happening to YOU:

These things are pretty rare, even in the rocky desert. Still, if traveling to such an area, we recommend you scatter a ring of debris around you wherever you go, just in case. For many of us, this does not require a change in lifestyle.

For more reason's to be afraid right now, check out The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World. Or check out our liveblog of last night's Presidential debate.

The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.

Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.

How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.

On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.

Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.

The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.

Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."

That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.