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Top 5 things in porn flicks that piss me off...

5. Stupid special effects - A phenomenon in the 90s that thankfully seems to have died down somewhat. Asswipe whiz-kid dipshit porn producers who think they're making a fucking music video destroy what could be an otherwise decent scene with sudden kaleidoscope effect shit, odd colors, and other ridiculous "artistic" ideas (witness how Nici Sterling's entry in the Starbangers series is ruined by the simple fact that the entire movie is run in slow motion). I hope every one of these morons drops dead of instantaneous cock cancer.

4. Chicks with completely shaved pubic areas - This just fucking sucks, and modern porn is full of it. It is aesthetically dull at best, and you may as well be looking at a Barbie doll's crotch. Grow some fucking hair down there you ignorant bints.

3. Violence/Over-the-top aggression - I guess I'm prudish or sensitive in a way, or a wimp. Fine, but watching some woman get choked, slapped across the face, or facefucked so hard that she coughs up shit does absolutely nothing for my dick. It can be safely assumed that the kind of mongs who get chubbies watching this sort of thing also beat off to Jodie Foster's "sex scene" in "The Accused", which likely accounts for at least half of the gimps who post on this board.

2. Horrible editing - When you're armwrestling your wang to an especially interesting scene, the minds behind porn's biggest "Fuck You" moments decide to throw in a 20 second close-up shot of the guy's contorted face. This would be hilarious if not for the fact that I'm trying to work my man. How about the geniuses who discover that the best way to stretch a scene is to splice in shit that already happened, turning 15 minutes of material into a 55 minute exercise in repetition (common in Metro comps in the 90s)? Best yet is one that I caught as recently as last weekend, in which the editing "department" was (perhaps intentionally) a little slow about cutting away from the delightful shot of a woman engaging in buttsex beginning to bleed from the anus, simultaneously ruining my penis for the night and giving me a damn good reason to call up my porn-obsessed buddy a few towns over with the intent of spoiling his rather large appetite.

1. Props introduced during the money shots - Dumbest idea I've ever seen in porn. Anabolic's Gangbang Girl series seems to be the worst offender so far, at least within the confines of movies I can stand to watch. Completely random items are brought into the fray in an apparent attempt at humor or to just gross-out the viewer. So far in the Anabolic series alone, we've got a plate (standard "bukkake" fare which never stops being stupid), a bowl of snack food, a small funnel, an athletic "cup", a spoon, one of those beer funnel tubes, and the fingerholes of a bowling ball...and those are just the ones I've seen. You can probably guess with some amount of accuracy how these props are used, and if not, you really should never watch a porn movie. Incidentally, the bowling ball one actually was kind of funny...