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hossc wrote:

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You wouldn't pass the psychological tests.

Then he'll get on the show for sure.

Star Jumper, just remember these 10 easy steps for getting picked to be on "Big Brother." Actually, think of them not so much as steps but as requirements.

1. Must have a daughter/roommate/fraternity brother/sorority sister/ex-boyfriend and/or girlfriend you haven't spoken to in years. Your feud can be caused by a great number of things, but try to make sure it's something severely egregious... like they borrowed 5 bucks from you and wouldn't give it back or they were really ferrrruuuuuuusterrrrraaaaaating to talk to.

2. Women are second-class citizens. Bonus points for referring to them as "bitches" and "cunts" in your interview.

3. Every sentence should be followed with "You know what I mean?" If you aren't especially keen on "You know what I mean?," "You know what I'm saying?" is a perfectly acceptable substitute.

4. You do not know the meaning of the words "lawsuit," "rigged" or "FCC." When asked if you know anything about the Quiz Show Scandal of the 1950's, do not give anything other than a blank stare.

5. You must either be presently devoted to God, or are willing to find him over the course of 90 days or as soon as a Precious Moments bible is placed in front of you -- whichever comes first.

6. If you qualify as a designated token, you should be:

a) flaming, effeminate and bitchy, if gay

b) persecuted by whitey, if black

c) boring, if Asian

7. Lengthy rap sheets that will probably be uncovered by the Smoking Gun over the course of the show (and thus generate publicity, which hopefully will translate into ratings) are a plus. Drug dealing, shoplifting, DUIs and the like are all well and good. If at all possible, try not to have any convictions for kiddie diddling. Such crimes are somewhat frowned upon in the flyover states, which make up 95% of the BB audience.

8. Please do not possess an IQ above 80 or so. The Big Brother producers are willing to bend this rule slightly and allow contestants with IQs upwards of 100, but only on the provision that the contestant is likewise willing to not clue the viewing audience in to the fact that their IQ is upwards of 100.

9. A strong desire to desecrate other's personal property by squirting and/or dumping solids and/or liquids onto it is highly encouraged. (Such solids and/or liquids will be provided to you by Big Brother.) However, Big Brother reserves the right to punish you for such actions at their discretion should the property being desecrated belong to a contestant Big Brother likes more than you.

10. Must be willing to provide blow jobs to the creature pictured below whenever you hear the phrase, "Please go to the diary room."