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Riff wrote:

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I agree. Ryan could be really hot



...if he lost 30 lbs.

...if he shaved that ridiculous mid-cheek beard off

...if he stopped burping every 5 minutes

...if he didn't snore loud enough to wake Marlee Matlin

...if he invested in Crest White Strips

...if he got a whole new wardrobe

...if he found out where his waist ends and his ass begins, and pulled his pants up to in between them

...if he learned how to chew with his mouth closed

...if he found out beef jerky isn't actually "health food" and embarked on a quest to unravel the mystery of what actually falls into such a category

...if he washed his nasty-ass hands before touching other people's food

...if he didn't stick his paws in his grubby mouth before touching other people's food

...if he did more than eat, sleep, eat, shit and eat all day

...if he stopped walking like a constipated duck

...if he had better taste in music (or any)

...if he realized nobody's buying the "gangsta" act

...if he realized even if they were, it's incredibly sad for a 27-year-old white guy from Ohio to have a "gangsta" act

...if he got a job

...if he had inherited even 1% of his engineer father's intellect

...if he could put an 8-piece puzzle together

...if he possessed charm and/or charisma

...if he could say complete sentences, instead of repeating "Yeah," "You know," and "FUCK!" over and over again

...if he didn't have friends coming out of the woodwork to say that his "gentle giant" schtick is all a ruse, and he's actually "very dangerous" when "provoked" (verbally provoked, not physically)

...if he had better taste in women

...if he hadn't gotten pussywhipped to the point of happily pushing his woman's tampon in for her, just because she's a blonde with big boobs

...if he weren't contemplating creating little Ryans (even in jest)

...if he stopped calling women "dude"

...if he weren't a one-pump chump

...if he weren't a xenophobe

...if he weren't a bigot

...if he weren't a misogynist

...if he weren't a caveman

...if he weren't a cro-magnon

...if he weren't a meathead

...if he weren't a bonehead

...if he weren't a dunderhead

...if he didn't play one of the shittiest Final 3 games I've ever seen on any season of "Big Brother," and go out of his way to ensure that he'll lose spectacularly in every scenario imaginable



Yeah, if not for all that, he could be really hot.

Best. Post. Ever.