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Grace talks audition VT's...

Over the recent week I've been suffering my usual mid-Summer Big Brother related meltdown. The one where I explode that I've had enough of this show and all of these idiots and I'm never watching or writing about Big Brother ever again, EVER. Rex and his ever-so helpful 'VT reviews' pushed me over the edge this year. I don't think it's healthy to feel this way about a game-show.

In fact, look at me now: I'm switching off the live-feed! I'm ignoring my TV completely. Inanimate object in the corner of my living room, you will NOT be the boss of me. Nowadays no-one heeds my tantrums. It's like Phats and Small flouncing off stage at Cleethorpes FM roadshow without playing their thumping soaraway classic 'Turnaround'. Don't even indulge them by clapping for an encore. They were bloody coming back anyway.

They're condemned by DNA to repeat the pattern forever. Exactly like I was last night, back in front of the livefeed, face squashed close to the screen, barking at a ginger gnome from Hampstead, 'Oi Rex? Why should you get a House visit from your dippy bird!? Why should you get reassurance that anyone on the outside world still loves you?!

Leave Rachel alone Rex! How come you're only vocal with the timid people in the House? Remember the night of Spitgate, Rex? Remember when Stuart, Dale, Darnell and Dennis were all squaring up for a fight? They were arguing over YOU Rex! Where was your razorsharp gob then?'

Of course when Rex did have cause to speak, not a single word was mumbled. It's almost like he knew that with stronger, more volatile people there's a good chance he might get flattened. But with girls like Rachel or Sara or Kat or Maysoon, it's 'happy days'. Rex can say what he wants to girls like this. I mean, literally anything he wants.

Kat looked fat in her video. Maysoon looked slutty. Sara isn't sexy. Rachel is the most boring housemate who he'd swap for scrabble. In fact, Rachel's a liar who cheated to get into the House by being bubbly in her VT tape. Actually, Rachel should get her makeup on the moment she wakes up so she's a bit more pretty like she was on her VT.

Rex has quacked on for days about the whole Rachel VT thing. He's obsessed with it. Rachel simply must face up to how much she's let herself, the House, the producers and the nation down. Oh, the shame Rachel! The shame!? Away and sob in the room with the giant bumhole on the door and think about the evil you have behest upon this country with your 'I'm a curvy girl' nonsense. BURN RACHEL RICE.

Of course, in reality, Rex couldn't give a flying crap about Rachel's VT. He's perfectly intelligent enough to know that the Big Brother audition process requires a certain amount of role-playing and showing off to survive each step. Who doesn't know that!? Away to the idiot step for you if you don't! I mean it. Go to the idiot step and sit with all the brainless people who believe that BB intro VT tapes aren't snappy caricatures.

You're in the same idiot bracket as people who think 'being real and getting off the fence' is the only way to survive in the House, people who think 'saying stuff to folk's face not behind their back' is a noble art, oh and that Dale should win 'coz he iz well fit, tho iznit'. (He is fit and should win and he spreads negativity <3) Only idiots think any of this. I'm sorry if you are an idiot. I don't know how to help you. That's not strictly my department.

With regards to intro VT tapes, every housemate plays up to an extent. The only reason Rex's VT is the most 'real' of the BB9 bunch is because he actually is that much of a **** in real life.

Rex's audition VT is basically Little Lord Fauntlerex bragging that he'll not be able to bring his most expensive watches into the House and that his family are minted, topped off with a bit of waffle about his very, very important restaurant job (the one that allows him to take 100 days off in Summer, like most executive jobs do when you're aged 24).

Luckily for Rex, his VT didn't need much tweaking to make him look like a silly little over-priveliged tosspot who farts about all day in West London wasting money on cabs and trinkets for his equally vapid girlfriend, while elsewhere in London waiters and kitchen staff run themselves ragged for money that would barely keep Rex in throwaway mobile phones.

Come the revolution Rex, when the people's republic of Dentonia is established, it will be a Ceausescu-style Christmas for you and many of your ilk.

But as I say, this isn't about Rachel's VT. Rex doesn't care about the VT. He's just enjoying quacking on at Rachel, because it makes him a very big tall boy indeed (without the hassle to go and stand around Lego land). It's undeniable Rex is one of the more eloquent housemates, so it must be great fun twisting Rachel up in mental and verbal knots until she's totally lost sight of what the argument is. I know I've lost sight of Rex's argument.

Let's get this straight: last week Rex was angry with Rachel because inside the House Rachel is very nice, smiley and calm. Rex believed that outside of the House Rachel has another side and is much more of a firecracker? Ok, I understand that. But now, Rex is angry at Rachel because she is dull in the House and he's seen a tape where she claims to be lively outside of the House, but Rex is livid because Rachel isn't lively, she's dull which makes her a fraud!

OK, I'm lost. Isnt that two totally contradictory things? And anyway Rex, when is it Darnell's turn for a verbal bashing? I bet you could really have Darnell twisted into knots! Have you not noticed anything at all you don't like about him? Or is Darnell a different entity entirely, being 2 feet taller than you, 30 lbs heavier that you and boasting the House's shortest fuse?

Another good target for House slander is Mohammed. I rarely write about Mohammed as he's quiet and gently and really just ever so nice.

He's sat there for 55 days in a greying soduko print hoodie, taking abuse off pretty much everyone. I still don't understand what Mohammed has done to deserve this. I never really notice his 'greed'. I get told about it a dozen times a day but never quite grasp it. Mohammed is definitely the House scapegoat. He's the flatmate that we've all lived with that everyone slags off in the kitchen when he's at the library or pub.

Everyone is united by their uneasiness with Mohammed for that time he ate an extra egg and grabbed an extra glass of wine. One thing's for certain, when Mohammed is eventually evicted there will be a celebration followed by a massive void while they work out who next to vent frustration on. Good luck with that Kat and Rachel!

Inevitably, the chilli eating Task led to an all-male Heaven this week. Of course the boys would win at eating chillies. The ability to eat hot chillies is something boys equate with being macho from an early age. Girls don't. Girls realise that ordering a chicken fahl just means you'll have crippling bowel-shudders for 24 hours and lips like a monkey's bottom.

But in these days of equality I can't possibly say that the Task was weighted in favour of men and what a man is good at. I just hope that next Saturday's Task is simply a rack of 25 black dresses in differing styles pushed into the Diary Room and the game is to explain afterwards to Big Brother what made them all different. The winners should be the women, sorry I mean, the people, who can remember all the spaghetti straps, empire lines and bias cuts.

So the winner of the chili Task was Stuart. Stuart was made Head of House. God help everyone. Thankfully he's been stripped of the title already. I think Stuart was the worst Head of House to date, if only for when he ran back into the house after watching the VT's bellowing 'WE'VE SEEN STUFF ON ALL OF YOUSE!!' while pointing his finger. Way to go with keeping the peace, Bluto?!

Stuart makes me quite bilious with his weekly little boo hoo hoo hoo charades about not being able to find anyone to love him in this vast lonely planet. Oh shut up Stuart. God has been highly favourable to you in the looks department.

If you can't find a girlfriend it's your own fault for rejecting everyone that comes near you. It's like listening to those awful Pharell Williams from Nerd slow tracks where he bleats on for nine minutes about being 'a man who is oh so lonely' then the video is him in Miami in a jacuzzi with his head between some woman in a thong bikini's knockers.

I actually loathe Dale at the moment too. He's just such a complete mumbing, scowling twonk in every fibre of his being that I have to look away and stare directly at my Spider plant all the way through him being on screen to stop me hyperventilating. Dale doesn't like new people. Dale is training to be a PE teacher but he doesn't like fruit and vegetables and kids and s***.

Dale isn't really a vile little spoilt runt who greedily took that hamper last week which he could have given to the hell side, then sat eating crisps while Lisa starved! No, Dale was doing it to make people nominate him. He was tricking them! Oh you're mr crafty pants Dale! Dale will never recover in my minds from his actions during his time with Jen.

Never. I'll always see him for the brooding little moron he is. And nine of them are up for eviction this Friday! Who will go?! We decide! It'll be Maysoon won't it?

She's just really boring, innit.