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IN ANTICIPATION OF THE FINALE, HERE IS A PARVATI MICRONESIA RETROSPECTIVE


Before the season began, Parvati gave us an ominous promise in her interviews:

"The new Parvati is a little more cynical and a little less trusting, and a lot more devious."


We now know she didn't disappoint <3


She then made her grand entrance and had an AMAZING premiere.



Possible edgic winner's quote?!



Her epic mean girls rivalry with Eliza began, and she subtly played into JFP's desire to quit, even encouraging him to play up his wanting to leave to "throw Eliza off the scent" <3



Eliza ain't snakin' her yo. Of course she also forged the fauxmance with James, but more on that later.
So despite being a huge target in episode 1, Parvati dodged the bullet and proved she was there to be a FIERCE competitor.


She then formed the most glamorous f3 alliance in the history of the game



And sold out both James and Ozzy in the process <3


Of course back then, people had their doubts. OMG CIRIE IS A FOOL! PARV IS H00R AND JUST THERE TO FLIRT WITH HOT DUDEZ!!!!! WHY ARE JONATHAN AND YAU MAN SUCKING?!?!? UGH MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

But with only one equinous/felinous bitch in their way, this f3 could work out after all. ^_^


Then Parvati was selected by American Hero Jason Siska to join the Airai tribe. He mispronounced her name in the process, and thus faced the WRATH of Povertyownage



He wasn't the lovably retarded underdog we now know back then, so it's okay. In the words of Parvati herself, "I think he's a loser."

NuAirai owned and won challenge after challenge, ensuring Parvati's safety. They won so much that she even temporarily got along with Eliza and created a flirtmance with the immunity idol!




Even with all these showmances and fauxmances and flirtmances, Parvati did find true love on Micronesia. The true love of Survivor #16 was between Goddess Parvati and the Hot Chocolate Stud himself, tribal native Edwin Buloozaphat. Watch as the couple falls in love at first sight, shares their life stories, and catches fish for their true loves. <3 <3 <3





Another remarkable feat that happened on Airai was Parvati's survival of another LIFE THREATENING injury. Parvati chopped her fingers off in the Cook Islands, and had her lips ripped off the Micronesia. But did she ever complain? No!



With so many medical evacuations this season, it's clear Parvati just has a superior immune system. In fact, I would even say it was part of her strategy to make sure to resist getting BACTERIOWNED. Another reason why she should win!


With the merge approaching, Parvati then forced the two mactress fans to latch themselves to her coattails, creating a big PICKLE for her.


IT'S PICKLE PARTY TIME!!!




But Parvati wasn't worried! Everyone was dead to her!




This pickle party made Amanda LIVID! In fact, this is the scene where Amanda actually said she was LIVID, so Parvati will always have that contribution to the season.




Eliza couldn't stop spying! And she picked the wrong girl to mess with, so her epic rivalry with Parvati came to a close, with the true head bitch in charge emerging.






The next week was another AMAZING one for Parv. With the help of consulting ParvatiBat...



...and Ozzy being a little brat




...and an incredible performance in the immunity challenge




Parvati pulled the unthinkable and betrayed the Whoresome Foursome!





It was then GIRL POWER all the way! Parvati coined the term Black Widow Brigade for their little five clique, and they truly dominated.



"It's like the black widow brigade. All the girls are coming together and we're spinning the guys around as much as we can and spinning them and spinning them until they don't know which way is up. And then we're devouring them...one at a time." <3


Parvati then survived hyperventilating in anticipation of Erik's immunity win and spontaneous orgasms from the sight of chocolate cake




And helped vote Douchebag #2 off, giving us the best voting confessional of the season, and possibly ever.


"You should chew with your mouth closed. Seriously." So profound. <3


The next week Parvati was reunited with her reformed hippie mom! Now three Shallows have been on Survivor!



But the reunion was cut short, since Parvati was eliminated first in the coconut chop-esque challenge, and also voted the biggest blabbermouth, most annoying, most delusional with power, and many other horrible things. <3 All of these events resulted in many deliciously evil glares.




James also died that week. Although he lacked a vagina and therefore didn't matter to Parvati's game, she still had a special relationship with him.

From playfully flirting and discovering the native fauna of Malakal beach, to bonding over their hatred of Airai beach




to Parvati eating the apple, flat out telling James that he wasn't a part of her plans anymore, and causing trouble in paradise





They had their share of ups and downs, but still cared about each other deep down, as shown by their final embrace and emotional farewell. It was defo a touching moment. <3




It's never fun to see someone leave that way. Parvati wanted the honor of voting his ass out damn it!




This moment warmed Parvati's shriveled little heart, and she decided to stick by her friends for once. Amanda asked her to help her find the idol and Parvati came up with a brilliant scheme to distract the others from Amanda.



"Oh she's just washing her armpits because I told her she stunk." GENIUS! Who wants to be around someone who stinks? <3


The payoff was huge, as Parvati watched the truck drivin' Sea Haglet get OWNED by Amanda's idol



It's nice to be nice!


The following week, Parvati dominated in the challenges.



Jeff: Which season had someone taken out of the game after falling in a fire?
Parv: OMG that sounds awful! LOL! dunno!

Jeff: lol Parvati sucks
Parv: Oh Jeff! ^_^


Parvati was then sent to Exile Island in part one of a glorious scheme by the core 3 of the black widow brigade. And she defo made the most of her time!

"I got here at Exile and...it's gorgeous! It's paradise! It's like my own little private vacation. I love it because I really needed this time to just chill, maybe get a little tan...maybe look for the idol if I want to, if I don't want to I don't have to! Because the reason for me being here is just to prevent Natalie or Erik from getting a chance at getting the idol. So it doesn't really matter if I find the idol or not! Me, Cirie, and Amanda...we have the numbers! ^_^"



<33333333333333


And then part two was hatched


Nat: Who would fall for that?!
Parv: Ozzy, Jason, and Erik!


We all know what happened next. Parvati couldn't contain her excitement!




"YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE DUMBEST SURVIVOR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR.........EVER"



Now Parvati has her achieved her dreams! A final 4 with herself and the three scheming bitches she's been the closest to throughout the game. WHO WILL WIN?!



Regardless of the outcome, this has truly been a season of...