If you plan on whoring your ass out to CBS for another rendition of survivor, please read below. After 15 seasons of ups
and downs, you fuckers better start getting this right.
If you are:
-- A girl under the age of 25: ZOMGosh youre gonna try to use sex appeal to win over the boyz and "manipulate" them? SO CLEVER! Gee, no one would EVER see that coming. Your flirting attempts wouldnt be so shitty if you actually had a brain or something interesting to say in a confessional. Get some goddamn outdoorsy skills and some unique hobby instead of just an occupation of "modeling" or "grad student". You suck and youre not smart for getting a 3.5 GPA in business math, so get over it. Also you are not going to find your futrue husband ... it happened once, it wont happen again, so stop TRYING.
-- Fat: Get good at puzzles so that you have something to bring to the table other than collapsing and requiring the assistance of a medic. Either that or learn how to Cirieown, which you will be unsuccessful at, so dont bother with that either. Also please keep youre fuckin clothes on - yes, all of them, including the poncho. I dont care if youre in the goddamn sahara.
-- Are female between the ages of 28 and 32: Get a fuckin personality or an interesting sob story storyline. Im serious. And stop latching onto a strong guy and handing him the million dollars. No one will credit you for staying "behind the scenes", because it just meant that you sucked at everything and were probably recruited on mysspace and had no intent to even win anyways.
- An older guy (35+): You are not the all-american dream. You are not the shit. And we dont care about your kids or your picket fences.
-- A lawyer: save your bitching for back home. If you end up on the jury, dont stand there like an attention whore for 20 minutes and attempt to bust out the best jury speech to date and be "tough" and hog the airtime and therefore... the seasons storyline. Whining like a little piece of shit because you lost doesnt make you "tough". No one cares what you think anway.
-- Flaming: Youre here and youre queer... we get it. Dont fuckin begin scheming 3 seconds after the boat drops you off on teh island. Dont be flamboyant and social and chew everyones ears off with your VH1 celebrity gossip. Maybe people wont get sick of watching you on TV / living with you if you shut your goddamn mouth... then maybe theyll almost feel sorta privileged when your previously mute ass actually bothers to start talking to them.
-- Black: Do some fuckin work around camp. Compare and contrast the fate of those who DID and those who didnt. Also, stop placing 7th or 9th for a goddamn change.
-- Asian: If youre a girl, stop placing 10th, stop getting screwed by "twists", or stop creating this big overdramatic underdog story arc for yourself. Its getting old. If youre a male, stop being such a fuckin nerd/stoner.
-- Trying to be the "mastermind": You will fail at it. Hilariously. dont bother. And its worth adding that you are definitely not funny, so stop rehearsing your confessional lines in an attempt to be the next Holden Caufield.
- An older lady: Get in shape. Learn how to WIN a challenge. Learn how to make yourself valuable other than being the only tribe member over 30.
-- Poor: Stop handing the million dollars to someone else. Take credit for your moves... they are usually gutsy if you do them right.
-- A former "celebrity": We dont care what you did in your past life or what your "FANS"/stalkers will think of you. In fact, dont even show up to play the game. And stop making references to compare survivor to that career.
-- Have a nickname: We dont care what it is. If your first name in real life is "William", introduce yourself as "William". "Bill" or Billy are also acceptable. Unacceptable = shit like Krusty, Chief, Cool W, Big Willie Style, Rainbowz, or Wooie.
-- Religious freak: whatever your denomination is, Shut the hell up, idiot. Everyone know 95% of America is atheist anyways.
-- Male model: get a fuckin clue and a real job. Might as well quit now, because you absolutely suck balls at playing the game and wont win. None of the worthwhile ladies ogle over you because youre a douchebag fixing your hair instead of killing tonights meal or helping them with their Days 1-6 vomiting.
What we want more of: Courtney, James from China, Cirie, Angie, Jonny Fairplay, assholes, drunks, sassy girls, virgins
What new characters we want to see: Self-entitled LOUD rich mom in her 40's who doesnt want to work, a non-pussy / non-model guy under the age of 25, a dad under the age of 25, a married girl under the age of 25, a grandma, a nun, a Muslim
Done. Back to my cave.
If you are:
-- A girl under the age of 25: ZOMGosh youre gonna try to use sex appeal to win over the boyz and "manipulate" them? SO CLEVER! Gee, no one would EVER see that coming. Your flirting attempts wouldnt be so shitty if you actually had a brain or something interesting to say in a confessional. Get some goddamn outdoorsy skills and some unique hobby instead of just an occupation of "modeling" or "grad student". You suck and youre not smart for getting a 3.5 GPA in business math, so get over it. Also you are not going to find your futrue husband ... it happened once, it wont happen again, so stop TRYING.
-- Fat: Get good at puzzles so that you have something to bring to the table other than collapsing and requiring the assistance of a medic. Either that or learn how to Cirieown, which you will be unsuccessful at, so dont bother with that either. Also please keep youre fuckin clothes on - yes, all of them, including the poncho. I dont care if youre in the goddamn sahara.
-- Are female between the ages of 28 and 32: Get a fuckin personality or an interesting sob story storyline. Im serious. And stop latching onto a strong guy and handing him the million dollars. No one will credit you for staying "behind the scenes", because it just meant that you sucked at everything and were probably recruited on mysspace and had no intent to even win anyways.
- An older guy (35+): You are not the all-american dream. You are not the shit. And we dont care about your kids or your picket fences.
-- A lawyer: save your bitching for back home. If you end up on the jury, dont stand there like an attention whore for 20 minutes and attempt to bust out the best jury speech to date and be "tough" and hog the airtime and therefore... the seasons storyline. Whining like a little piece of shit because you lost doesnt make you "tough". No one cares what you think anway.
-- Flaming: Youre here and youre queer... we get it. Dont fuckin begin scheming 3 seconds after the boat drops you off on teh island. Dont be flamboyant and social and chew everyones ears off with your VH1 celebrity gossip. Maybe people wont get sick of watching you on TV / living with you if you shut your goddamn mouth... then maybe theyll almost feel sorta privileged when your previously mute ass actually bothers to start talking to them.
-- Black: Do some fuckin work around camp. Compare and contrast the fate of those who DID and those who didnt. Also, stop placing 7th or 9th for a goddamn change.
-- Asian: If youre a girl, stop placing 10th, stop getting screwed by "twists", or stop creating this big overdramatic underdog story arc for yourself. Its getting old. If youre a male, stop being such a fuckin nerd/stoner.
-- Trying to be the "mastermind": You will fail at it. Hilariously. dont bother. And its worth adding that you are definitely not funny, so stop rehearsing your confessional lines in an attempt to be the next Holden Caufield.
- An older lady: Get in shape. Learn how to WIN a challenge. Learn how to make yourself valuable other than being the only tribe member over 30.
-- Poor: Stop handing the million dollars to someone else. Take credit for your moves... they are usually gutsy if you do them right.
-- A former "celebrity": We dont care what you did in your past life or what your "FANS"/stalkers will think of you. In fact, dont even show up to play the game. And stop making references to compare survivor to that career.
-- Have a nickname: We dont care what it is. If your first name in real life is "William", introduce yourself as "William". "Bill" or Billy are also acceptable. Unacceptable = shit like Krusty, Chief, Cool W, Big Willie Style, Rainbowz, or Wooie.
-- Religious freak: whatever your denomination is, Shut the hell up, idiot. Everyone know 95% of America is atheist anyways.
-- Male model: get a fuckin clue and a real job. Might as well quit now, because you absolutely suck balls at playing the game and wont win. None of the worthwhile ladies ogle over you because youre a douchebag fixing your hair instead of killing tonights meal or helping them with their Days 1-6 vomiting.
What we want more of: Courtney, James from China, Cirie, Angie, Jonny Fairplay, assholes, drunks, sassy girls, virgins
What new characters we want to see: Self-entitled LOUD rich mom in her 40's who doesnt want to work, a non-pussy / non-model guy under the age of 25, a dad under the age of 25, a married girl under the age of 25, a grandma, a nun, a Muslim
Done. Back to my cave.
