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Here is the brand new, twist-filled episode 4. Enjoy!

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Previous Episodes:

Episode 01 - The Breast Is Yet To Come
Episode 02 - Can You Feel The Ox-Citement?
Episode 03 - Lysdexia Borealis

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EPISODE 4 – “THIS AIN'T YOUR MAMA'S CHESS”

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CAIPORA TRIBE




IARA TRIBE

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DAY 10

IARA CAMP

        “Boy, that sucked.”
        Janelle had just dodged a big bullet. Somehow, she had managed not only to save herself but Kathy as well.
        Two days ago she would never had thought of voting against Jim, but the minute he began campaigning against her it was game on.

        JANELLE: At first I had almost accepted that my time had come and there was nothing I could do about it. I had given my word to Jim that I’d never vote against him and he gave me his word as well. But when the little fucker went and campaigned against me I pulled some strings and got him sent home.

        The trouble for her now was Kathy. Unlike Jim, Kathy was extremely well liked by the majority alliance of Linda, Omarosa, Julie, April and Juanita, and it was almost a guarantee that, should Iara lose the Immunity Challenge, Janelle would be the next to go.
        “We’re on the outs, girl,” said Kathy.
        “At least you’ve got one foot in,” Janelle responded, “My ass is practically halfway out the door.”

        KATHY: Janelle is worried…and I suppose she has a good reason to be. But she has to understand I suck at basically everything and she’s the star champion supreme of this team. They’d be crazy to get rid of her instead of me, especially with all these physical competitions coming up. But then again, collectively that alliance has a combined IQ lower than Stephen Baldwin after getting hit by lightning.

        Meanwhile, the Alliance of Five (a name suggested oh-so-creatively by April) was having problems of its own. Despite their vow to vote out Janelle and Kathy before any of the five of them left, they hated each other with a deep passion. Mama Weaver did not agree with Omarosa’s attitude, which usually caused Omarosa to go off on her for no reason at all. Juanita found this behavior outrageous and yelled at Omarosa, who replied with severe name-calling toward Juanita. Julie Chen was running low on batteries and used her speaking chip sparingly, which came in handy because April talked so much that it was barely possible to get a word in.

        JULIE CHEN: It is Day 10 at Iara Camp, and the power rests with the Alliance of Five. Who will ultimately win Immunity? Find out tomorrow night, on a special episode of Survivor: Reality Stars.

        “I miss Charla,” Janelle said to Kathy, “She was nice.”

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DAY 10

CAIPORA CAMP

        “Oh. My. God.”
        Stephenie was walking back down the cleared path that led to treemail, holding in her hand an oversized wooden die. The numbers were painted onto it with big purple dots of paint (she assumed correctly that Iara received a die with yellow dots).
        “You guys,” she shouted, “You have to listen to this!”
        And she read the treemail out loud:

So long Iara mermaid and Caipora elf
This challenge you’ll have to fend for yourself
For burgers and French fries and sodas a-fizzin’
Roll big and ensure you ain’t going to prison

        “A merge,” said Clay, “Already?”
        “Ain’t it kinda early?” said Scott.
        “GOD DAMN IT, SHUT UP AND WAIT!” Colin shouted.
        “Oh my God,” Stephenie whimpered through muffled tears, “It’s a merge! I’m gonna have friends!”

        STEPHENIE: I am so excited we have a merge coming, even though it feel like it’s ridiculously early. But at least it means I can now rely on myself and not have to put up with freaking lazy teammates who don’t do anything.

        Attempting to prepare her team for the upcoming merger, Stephenie gave them a little pep talk.
        “Guys,” she said, “We have the majority. We can vote them all out one by one until it’s only the eight of us left. It’s all smooth sailin’ from here.”
        “What if it ain’t no merge, yo?” asked Scott.
        “Of course it’s a merge, fatass, read the clue!”
        “Steph,” Clay chimed in, “He does have a point, it may not be—“
        “Are you saying I’m wrong?” said Stephenie.
        “Well, you might be,” Clay said, “Just listen to the instructions before you make plans.”
        “Like I always tell my kids,” said Rupert, “If you assume, you make an ass of U and me.”
        “Go die or som’n,” said Scott.
        “You know,” said Alan, “If you take the ‘ssume’ out of ‘assume’ and replace it with an L…”
        “It spells WE’VE HEARD THIS A MILLION TIMES!” said Colin.
        “No,” said Alan, “It actually spells my name.”
        “Can we pleeeeease just go already?” said Marcellas.
        “SHUT UP!” the entire Monarchy yelled in unison.
        “All right, let’s just go,” said Stephenie.
        “Thank you, God!” said Marcellas, rolling his eyes.
        “And SHUT UP!” she shouted.

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REWARD CHALLENGE – IT AIN’T EASY TO PARCHISI

        Holly’s sudden firing the previous night left the host slot open once again. So the castaways were surprised to find Mark Burnett standing where Holly usually did.
        “Where’s our new host?” said Mama Weaver.
        “I’m still auditioning,” said Burnett, “Trump fired Clay last night so I had to do all these press interviews to cover up for his homophobia. Can I have candidate numbah 1, please?”
        There was a ruffle in a bush nearby, and seconds later Big Tom Buchanan came bumbling down the sandy path that led to Burnett.
        “Do you have the audition material prepared?” Burnett asked.
        “Yessir!” said Big Tom.
        “Proceed, then,”
       
        It was a complete mess.
        “Awlrite, nah, I’ms gon’ tail ye ‘boutcher noo ‘myunty tchalleng ‘n’ ye betta lisn cos it sa darn hardy one this a-one.”
        “Next!” said Burnett.
        Big Tom left. Darrah Johnson replaced him.
        “Fahrwood,” she said.
        “Next!” shouted Burnett.
        Anne Robinson made her way down the path looking straight ahead and never taking her navy blue overcoat off.
        “Which of you has the physical ability of a legless Patricia Jackson?”
        “Me!” Omarosa raised her hand.
        “You’re hired, congratulations,” said Mark Burnett, “Guys, good luck, yadda yadda, I gotta go find a new host for Rock Star 2.”
        And he left.

        “Well,” said Anne, “It is time for….”
        She took a melodramatic five-minute pause.
        “….yournextrewardchallenge.”
        “Huh?” said Janelle.
        “Your next ….reward….challenge,” said Anne, emphasizing every possible syllable and giving Janelle a look of the sheerest disgust, “Surely you heard me the first time.”
        “Bitch,” Janelle murmured under her breath.
        “Your next Reward Challenge is your first individual one!”
        Upon hearing this, Stephenie promptly took off her purple buff, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. “I’m ready”
        “For what?” said Anne.
        “For the merge,” said Stephenie, “You said this challenge is individual.”
        “Yes, the challenge is individual,” said Anne, “But there is no merge. Get dressed.”
        “What?” said Stephenie, fighting back tears.
        “Today’s challenge is a giant board game.”
        And only then did the two tribes see the giant structure behind Anne.

        It was a rectangular board with thirty square spaces running along all four of its sides. Some spaces had large red X’s on them. Some had blue dots. One space had the word “Start” painted on it in green.
        But what really caught the survivors’ attention was a large cage-like wooden structure standing smack in the middle of the board. Big enough for no more than three people to stand inside comfortably, it was made of sturdy bamboo and had a door.
        “There are fifteen of you competing today,” said Anne, “Five of you will be selected at random to be placed inside the jail cell at the center of the board. The other ten will take turns rolling the dice.”
        She then explained the game: “When you roll the dice, you must move that exact number of spaces on the game board. The object of the game is to stay on the board as long as possible. “
        There were two giant foam dice on either side of Anne.
        “There are three two types of special spaces on the game board,” she continued, “If you land on a Blue Dot space, you may select any player on the board to switch places with a player in jail.”
        “Oh my God,” said Stephenie.
        “Shh,” said Mama Weaver.
        “However,” said Anne, “If you land on a Red X space, you must select someone who is currently in jail and switch places with them yourself.”
        “Oh, wow,” said April.
        “At the end of twenty turns, whichever ten players are on the gameboard win the reward. The best reward yet.”
        Stephenie began to cry.
        “Piping hot cheeseburgers with all the trimmings. Chips. Popcorn. Ice cold Coca Cola.”
        FaFu looked as if his whole entire life had been leading up to this one moment.
        “Oh mah gawsh, y’all!” said April.
        “There is only enough food for ten people, so whoever ends up in jail will get nothing.” She gave the contestants a stern look.
        “Sounds good!” said Scott.
        “Oh, and one more thing,” Anne adjusted her glasses, “You may only switch places with someone from your own tribe.”
        “Dang,” aid Juanita, “I be wantin’ to liminate FaFoo!”
        “Now,” said Anne, “Firstly, we must decide which of you will be initially placed inside the jail cell.
        She reached into her pocket and pulled out fifteen small wooden discs, each with a number on it.
        “You must each reach for a disc,” said Anne, as she placed the discs in a black velvet back, “They are numbered one through fifteen. The five people with the highest numbers will be placed in the cell. The other 10 discs will determine the order in which you roll the dice.
        One by one, the fifteen Survivors reached into Anne’s black bag and pulled out their wooden discs.
        “God damn it,” said Janelle. Her disc said #13.
        When she read her #15 disc, Juanita covered her face with her left hand and collapsed on the ground.
        Scott was especially frustrated – the food meant more to him than anyone else, but he got #11, and thus had to join Janelle and Juanita in the jail cell.
        Alan and Marcellas rounded out the cellmates.




        “Now, everyone” said Anne, “Let us begin. Kathy, you got disc #1, therefore you go first.”
        “Ah, fuck it,” she said, “I always sucked at Parchisi!”
        She rolled both dice, and her roll totaled to 4.
        She landed on a blank space.
        “Kathy, you are still on the board,” said Anne, “Nobody moves.”
        Clay was next. He rolled a 9 and landed on a blank space.
        “Come on, yo,” said Scott from the Jail Cell, “Get a brutha out.”
        Mama Weaver was third to go. She got perfect 6’s on both dice, and landed on a blank space.
        “We’re never gonna get out,” said Janelle.
        Stephenie became the first person to land on a special space when her first roll (a 7) landed her on a blue dot space.
        “Stephenie,” said Anne, “You may now pick somebody from your own team substitute either Alan, Marcellas or Scott in jail. Or, if you so desire, you may leave the game as it is.”
        Scott looked longingly at Stephenie.
        “Come on, Steph,” he begged, “Clay ain’t need no food.”
        “Sorry,” she said, razor-thin eyebrows squirming, “I’m gonna leave it as it is.”
        “Well, then,” Anne said, “Let us proceed. Miss Chen, you are next.”
        Julie rolled a three, which landed her on a blank space right next to Kathy.
        Colin was next.
        He grabbed the two large foam dice, rolled them, and almost hit Stephenie.
        The first one said 6.
        The other was a 4.
        Colin landed himself on a red X space.
        “AAAAARGH!” Colin screamed as he kicked the foam dice and pounded his wrists on the ground, “AAAAGRHGRHA!!”
        “Colin,” said Anne, “You must now switch places with somebody from your own tribe who is currently in the jail cell. Please pick either Marcellas, Scott or Alan.”
        “Don’t pick Marcellas, Colin,” said Stephenie, “He’s gay and retarded! “
        “Excuse me, bitch,” said Marcellas, “I don’t recall ever voting for you to be the team leader.”
        “I’ll switch with Alan,” said Colin.
        “YES!” said a jubilant Alan. Anne unlocked the jail door, Alan was let out, and Colin replaced him.
        “Alan, you now take Colin’s position on the red X.
        Colin sat down on the grass inside the cell and sulked.
        “Well, then,” said Anne, “Which of you is as unlucky as Lydia is short? Omarosa, you are…….next.”
        Omarosa rolled a 5 and landed on a blank space.
        “Come on, girls,” said Janelle, “Land on red Xs!”
        “Dang, I be hungry,” said Juanita, “I ain’t like dis game.”
        Sam followed.
        “Miss Stephenie,” he said, “What would you like me to roll?”
        “Um,” said Stephenie, “Try to roll a two so you can land on the red X and get Colin out of there.”
        “Hey,” said FaFu, “I’m starving over here!”
        “I’ll try my best.”
        He rolled a 5 and landed on the same space as Omarosa.
        “Long time no see,” he said to her, “How long has it been since you washed yours?”
        “My what?” said Omarosa, who clearly looked like she’d rather take a pound of plaster to the head than have a conversation with Sam.
        “Your hand,” said Sam, “The one Mr. Trump shook. I haven’t washed mine for 476 days today. You?”
        “Ew,” said Omarosa, “You are a disgusting pig.”
        “Ahem,” said Anne, “April, you are next.”
        “Ah suck at these games, y’all,” she said.
        She rolled an 11. It was a blank space.
        “Lord,” said Janelle, “No action.”
        “It’s not like ah’d switch with you anyway,” said April.
        Rupert was the last to roll. He got a 3 and shared a space with Julie Chen.
        “Well,” said Anne, “After ten turns, Alan is the only person to leave the jail cell. There are ten turns left. At the end of those, whichever ten people are left on the board win the reward. From now on, if you land on a blue space you do not have the choice of leaving it as it is, and must select someone to replace someone in the cell. Who here will eat less than Nicole Ritchie on a low-carb diet? It’s time to find out if you are………….therewardchallengewinner.”
        “Huh?” said Alan.
        “Proceed.”
        Kathy rolled for the second time and got a 4, which placed her on a blank space in front of Stephenie.
        Clay’s second roll earned him six spaces, and he landed on a Blue Dot.
        “Clay, said Anne, “You must now remove either Colin, Scott or Marcellas from the jail cell and replace them with one of your teammates on the board.”
        “Oh, how terrible,” said Clay.
        His first instinct was to save either Colin or Scott. Marcellas was an outcast in his tribe, and saving him would make Clay look very suspicious.
        FaFu and Colin seemed to have noticed this, however, because they began a shouting match toward Clay, both desperate to be the one let out of the cage.
        “SAVE ME YO!” Fafu shouted, “I’M STARVIN’ OVA HERE!”
        “AAAAAAAGRHAH FOOD!” Colin yelled. “YOU FUCKING FAGGOT, IF YOU PICK HIM OVER ME I’M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”
        “I’MA THROW A PHONE ATCHOO IF YOU DON’T PICK ME, YO!” said Scott.
        Threatened and wimpy, Clay ended up picking neither.
        “I’m going to save Marcellas,” said Clay.
        “WHAT?” said Stephenie.
        Colin and FaFu shut up almost instantly. Marcellas’s eyes glistened and he blew kisses Clay’s way. Rupert smiled widely.
        “You gay little traitor,” said Stephenie.
        ‘Clay, who would you like to take Clay’s place?”
        Again, Clay’s first instinct was to send Sam into the jail cell. He’d have liked to send Stephenie in, because despite their close friendship she had a lesson to learn in humility.
        He ended up picking Alan, however, for the simple fact that he didn’t want to piss Stephenie off, but also didn’t want to do her bidding.
        A disgruntled Alan passed Marcellas on his way back into the cell.
        “I’m so sorry, Alan,” said Clay.
        “It’s ok,” said Alan, but it clearly wasn’t.
       
        Mama Weaver, Stephenie, Julie, Marcellas, Omarosa and Sam all landed on blank spaces. Stephenie in particular was upset at not having the chance to send Clay into the jail cell.
        There were only two people left to roll: April and Rupert.
        April rolled a 4, which landed her on a Blue Dot.
        “Oh mah gah,” said Juanita, “Oh, gurl, git me outta here! I ain’t eva vote fo you!”
        “April,” said Anne, “You must now save either Janelle or Juanita and replace them with one of your teammates on the board.”
        “Oh well,” said Janelle. She knew perfectly well April would rather shoot Pepperoni in the head than save her.
        “Ah’m gonna save Juanita and replace her with Kathy,” said April.
        “Damn it,” said Kathy.
        “OH MAH GAAAAH!”
        Juanita went into hysterics. When Anne opened the jail cell door she began crying, hugged April until her boob implants almost popped, and took Kathy’s place on the board.
        “We have one roll left.”
        But it didn’t really matter. Rupert rolled a 2, landed on a blank space, and the game was over.
        Alan, Colin, Scott, Janelle and Kathy were in the jail cell.
        “This game is over,” said Anne, “But I’m not done yet.”
        She opened the jail cell door and let the five prisoners out.
        “To the ten of you on the board,” said Anne, “Congratulations.”
        She led the fifteen castaways to a picnic table decorated with purple and yellow flowers. The Iara tribe members who won the reward (Julie, Juanita, Omarosa, Mama Weaver and April) sat on the right side of the table. The Caiporas (Clay, Marcellas, Rupert, Sam and Stephenie). Janelle, Colin, Scott, Kathy and Alan simply stood and watched.
        “Let us bring out the food.”
        Five Brazilian girls wearing bikinis emerged from behind a nearby bush, each carrying a tray of food. The first girl handed each of the then winners a glass of ice cold Coca Cola. The second girl had ten large baskets of curly fries. The third girl handed each contestant a bag of hot buttery popcorn. The fourth girl was in charge of passing out slices of Chocolate Cream Pie.
        The final girl had the burgers.
        “Oh my God!” said Stephenie, fighting back tears. The ten members at the table high-fived each other and cheered madly.
        All Janelle, Kathy, Colin, Alan and Scott could do was not look. Scott, especially, took the loss rather hardly.

        For a good half hour nobody spoke. Anne joined the people at the table and one of the Brazilian girls brought her yellow rice and grilled chicken, and she began chowing down. She didn’t look up again until the food was gone from her plate
        “Well, that was quite lovely,” said Anne, “Now. The challenge might be over, but I still have one more surprise for you.”
        “Aw, shoot,” said Mama Weaver.
        “I think it’s time for a story,” Anne said.
        She sat down, looked at everyone, and began:
        “Brazilian folklore mentions many gods. Some are good, some are not. Your two tribes were named after two of the most prominent Brazilian gods: Iara, the mermaid ruler of water, and Caipora, the swift king of fire.”
        “We knew that already, keep going,” said Omarosa.
        What you don’t know,” said Anne, “Is that there was a third god that was just as prominent as the other two – Saci, the mischievous god of wind. Today, we will honor Saci.”

        Anne reached underneath the table and pulled out a small velvet bag.
        “Janelle, Colin, Scott, Kathy and Alan,” she said, “Drop your buffs.”

        Everyone’s jaws dropped.
        “What?”
        “You heard me,” said Anne, “Drop your buffs.”
        “Oh my god,” said Stephenie in between bites of her cheeseburger.
        As ordered, the five jail cell people took off their team-colored buffs and threw them on the ground.
        “As of today, the five of you are all members of the Saci tribe.”
        “What?” said Janelle.
        “Winkidoinks,” said Kathy.
        “Shit,” said Scott.
        “No!” said Stephenie, “My alliance! My Monarchy!”
        Anne opened the velvet bag and took out five red buffs, and handed each of the cell people one. She then handed Janelle a map.
        “Here’s a map to your new campsite,” she said, “You’ll find your supplies waiting for you there. As of today, we have no longer two tribes, but three tribes of five.”
She turned to Iara and Caipora. “Finish eating and head back to camp. Your friends will not be returning.”
        Then she looked at Saci, who were in complete shock and still hadn’t put on their buffs.
        “Go,” she said, “It will be dark soon.”
        And with that, she left.

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CAIPORA TRIBE



IARA TRIBE



SACI TRIBE

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        Before the castaways new it, it was dark. The remaining members of the Caipora and Iara tribes finished their food and left, saying feeble goodbyes to their ex-teammates. Stephenie seemed downright insulted that three members of her five-person Monarchy Alliance were now on a different team.
        “All right, let’s get the fuck out of here,” said Janelle.
        “Please,” said Alan, “They’re staring.”
        Without hesitating, the Saci Tribe began to follow Janelle as far away from possible from the other tribes.

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NIGHT 10

SACI TRIBE

        KATHY: Anne Robinson apparently wasn’t happy with the fact I already was the Weakest Link at Iara, so she sent me to a tribe where not only am I the weakest person, but I’m still at a freaking minority. My life sucks.

        The realization that the switch hadn’t improved their position at all hit Kathy and Janelle almost immediately. During the walk to their new camp, the two quietly whispered the obvious to each other: This tribe consisted of three ex-Caipora members and two ex-Iara, and they weren’t really any better off here than they had been back on their old tribe.
        In fact, they were worse off. At Iara, they at least had a comfortable shelter. The Saci camp, as was confirmed later by the Caipora boys, was by far the worst out of all three camps: Their beach wasn’t the blanket of white sand they had expected, but an earthy, mossy patch of land littered with logs and leaves.

        Finding camp had been easy. Janelle and Alan made a surprisingly good team, and despite Colin’s occasional spasms and the fact Kathy and Scott hated walking long distances the tribe actually made good time.

        JANELLE: Alan and I sort of got to know each other on the way to camp, and he’s actually somewhat intelligent, which I totally didn’t expect.

        They spotted the red Saci flag after the end of the second hour.
        There really wasn’t much to talk about. Colin was running around trying to do too many things at once and being no help whatsoever and FaFu collapsed into a deep sleep the minute they hit the beach.
        So it was up to Kathy, Alan and Janelle to start a fire and attempt to build a shelter in the middle of the night.
       
        ALAN: We’re pretty miserable out here. You know, at our old tribes we had shelters built, we had our food all sorted out. Here we don’t really know where everything is. We have no idea where to start looking for stuff, no idea where to start…

        Deprived of any light whatsoever, the Saci tribe fell asleep on the ground.

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DAY 11

IARA TRIBE

        APRIL: Ah am so flippin’ glad Janelle and Kathy are gone. I didn’t like them at all and the twist just saved us the trouble of sending them home.

        Iara’s spirits were generally very high. The tribe – which now consisted of Mama Weaver, Julie, Omarosa, April and Juanita – didn’t seem to mind it at all that Janelle and Kathy were gone. In fact, they were positively elated.

        JUANITA: Dat bitch Janelle ain’t be here no mo’ to bofuscate me. Dat means I be da purdiest one left, so I ain’t sad.

        Only Omarosa seemed to find a problem with the switch.

        OMAROSA: The other girls are happy because we got rid of Janelle and Kathy faster than we thought we would. The problem now is, if we lose Immunity one of the five of us definitely goes home. They are so excited that those two are gone that they’re not stopping to think of the consequences.

        Regardless, the five celebrated their “victory” by indulging in all the extra corn mush that would’ve been Janelle’s and Kathy’s.
        “Y’all, ah’m so glad,” April said as they huddled in a circle inside the shelter, “Janelle was a liar and a cheater and ah could not wait to get rid of her. She was such a bitch. You know what she told me? She told me if ah kept on smoking ah’d get lung cancer. Now, do ah ever rain on her parade like that? Do ah ever tell her that if she keeps dying her hair it’s gonna get blonder? No, ah do not.”
        “Well, that is a given,” Omarosa pointed out.
        “Bitch, shut da fuck up,” said Juanita.
        “Will the newly formed Saci Tribe be able to overcome their obvious disadvantage?” said Julie Chen, “And how will this new development affect the Iara tribe?”
        “Do you always have to talk like that?” said Omarosa.
        “Settle down, Beavis,” said Julie Chen.
        “Shh,” said Mama Weaver, “Don’t ask her questions she’s not programmed to answer! We need her.”
        “Ah swear, y’all,” said April, “We have to beat those two bitches so the guys on that team can vote them off.”

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DAY 11

CAIPORA CAMP

        STEPHENIE: This is a nightmare. For ten straight days I worked hard to build the perfect alliance, and when I finally manage to do it somebody goes and ruins my entire plan.

        Three fifths of Stephenie’s old Monarchy Alliance were now on a different team, and she had to content herself with Sam, Clay, Marcellas and Rupert.

        STEPHENIE: I swear…this is the worst team ever. Two of them are gay, one’s retarded and one is a blubbering idiot who’s played this game too many times.

        Marcellas, however, had taken to walking around in an oddly chipper mood. He seemed to sense Stephenie’s anxiety and was not only harping on it at every possible opportunity, but seemed convinced that if the new Caipora ever lost a challenge he wouldn’t be the first to leave. He and Rupert made two – all they had to do now was swing either Clay or Sam, and they were safe for at the very least six more days.
        Marcellas’s attempts at swinging Sam failed miserably.
        “I’m sorry,” said Sam, “I’m still loyal to Miss Stephenie and her Monarchy.”
        “You do realize the Monarchy is now just you and her, right?” said Marcellas.
        “Yes, but I am still loyal to her.”
        “You also realize you were by far her least favorite Monarchy member, right?”
        “Yes sir,” said Sam, “But still, Mr. Trump said on The Apprentice that a disloyal employee should be fired immediately, so I have to remain loyal to her. I’m sorry.”

        And, being the loyal minion he was, Sam ran straight to Stephenie to report the incident.
        “He WHAT?” she screamed, “He tried to make an alliance to vote me out?”
        “That’s what he said,” Sam told her.
        “How dare he!” she said, “Sam, go fetch Clay. We need to have a talk.”

        STEPHENIE: I’ve worked too damn hard to just give my million dollars away to somebody. If Marcellas thinks that I’ll allow him to make an alliance against ME of all people, he is sadly mistaken.

        Clay, who had actually been retrieving treemail at the time, decided it wasn’t the best time for a talk – they had an Immunity Challenge coming up.
        “Sounds interesting,” he said, “Listen to this:”

Pot.
Kettle.
Sound like Omarosa?
It’s your Immunity Challenge
Which is drawing closa

        “What the fuck does that mean?” said Stephenie.
        “Maybe it’s a cooking challenge or something,” said Sam.
        “If only you all had listened to me,” said Stephenie, “Instead of voting off Blueberry.”
        “His name was Dewberry,” said Rupert.

---

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE – POTLUCK BONANZA

        For the first time in the game there were three colored mats in front of Anne. Caipora’s purple mat to her left, Iara’s yellow mat to her right, and Saci’s red mat right in front of her.
        Caipora and Iara came in from both sides of Anne. Saci followed a jungle path and came in from behind her. All five were wearing their red buffs for the first time.
        “Welcome, Tribes,” said Anne Robinson, “To your first three-way immunity challenge. As you will notice, there are five color-coded cubes on each tribe’s mat.”
        The contestants bent down to pick up large wooden cubes, painted in their tribal colors, with sides that said A, B, C, D, True and False.
        “Each tribe also has six clay pots hanging from a rope. Today I will tell you the story of the three Gods that represent your tribes,” Anne said, “When I am done, I will ask you a series of questions about the story. If at least four of your five tribe members answer the question correctly, your tribe will earn the right to destroy one of the other teams’ pots. The first tribe to have all six of their pots destroyed loses Immunity and must go to Tribal Council. The other two tribes will be immune from the vote.”
        She produced two immunity idols from a crate at her feet – wooden totems painted pitch black with a single white ring at the center.
        “Let us begin, then,” said Anne.
        And she told them story.
       
        “It is believed,” she said, “That most of the folklorian gods of Brazil are mischievous – Saci, the god of wind, is notorious for stealing. According to the legend, Saci, who looks like a young black boy missing a leg and smoking a pipe, will only return your possessions if you take his red hat from him.”
        “Racists,” said Omarosa, “Cutting off the poor black boy’s legs.”
        “He steal stuff,” said Juanita, “He be hangin’ wif Trenyce.”
        “As I was saying,” said an annoyed Anne, “The goddess of water, Iara, was a beautiful mermaid who lives in the Amazon river with her best friend, the Pink dolphin. She had a love for jewels, so she lured men into the bottom of the river not to mate, but to crystallize.”
        “What dat means?” said Juanita.
        “Excuse me?” said Anne.
        “Crystallize,” said Juanita, “What is means?”
        “Uh,” said Anne, “To cause to form crystals or assume a crystalline structure.”
        “Oh,” said Juanita, “I thought she just bein’ a ho.”
        “Ahem,” said Anne, “The third god, Caipora, was notorious for getting travelers lost in the jungle. His hair was made of fire, and his faced the wrong way – he had the heels at the front, the toes at the back – so his footprints always led stragglers to the wrong place.”
        “Well, that’s not nice,” said Mama Weaver.
        “These are, of course, legends,” said Anne, “But every once in a while you can be fooled into hearing Caipora walking, Iara swimming or Saci hopping.”
        Omarosa rolled her eyes.
        “Now, for your challenge,” said Anne, “Get your cubes ready.”
        The contestants picked up their color-coded cubes.
        “First question,” said Anne, “Caipora is the only god of Mischief – True of False? Please reveal your answers now.”
        Every single person on every tribe with the exception of Stephenie answered “False.”
        “You are all correct,” said Anne, “Well, except Stephenie.”
        “Damn!” said Steph.
        “Nonetheless,” Anne continued, “Caipora had at least four correct members, so you still get a hit.”
        Iara got to hit first, and April was selected to break the pot.
        “Ah’m sorry, y’all,” said April, “But ah want this bitch gone.”
        She pointed at Janelle and shattered one of Saci’s pots.
        Janelle was the hitter for Saci, but instead of mere retaliation she thought strategically. “There are more overall Caipora than Iara,” she said.
        And she broke one of Caipora’s pots.
        A furious Stephenie (the Caipora hitter) broke Saci’s second pot out of spite.

        “As it stands now,” said Anne, “Saci has four pots left, Caipora has five, and Iara has all six intact. Next question.”
        Everyone listened.
        “What River did Iara reside in?”
        “What das means?” said Juanita.
        “A – The Nile, B – The Herbert, C – The Amazon or D – Moon River? Answers, please.”
Everyone on Saci answered correctly - “C”. Caipora was split – Steph answered “Moon River”, Sam answered “True” and Clay, Marcellas and Rupert all answered “C”.
        On Iara, only Omarosa, Julie Chen and April answered correctly. Juanita didn’t know the meaning of “reside” and thus left her answer “blank” by setting her cube on the ground. Mama Weaver answered A – “The Nile.”
        “But I thought you said these gods lived in Brazil!” she said, clearly frustrated.
        “Only Saci gets to hit.”
        Kathy broke another of Caipora’s pots.
        “Caipora down to four pots,” said Anne, “Saci also at four. Iara intact with six.”
        At that moment, Scott whispered something inaudible into Colin’s ear.
        “Next question – True or false? Caipora’s weakness was the absence of his hat.”
        Once again, everyone except for Stephenie answered correctly.
        “Oh god,” said Marcellas, rolling his eyes, “Try to answer incorrectly next time and maybe we’ll actually get a perfect question.”
        Stephenie threw her cube at him.

        All three tribes earned a hit. Omarosa seemed content with furthering Saci’s handicap by destroying their third pot, and Sam did Stephenie’s bidding by destroying their fourth.
        “Saci, down to two pots,” said Anne, “Colin, it’s your turn to hit.”
        Colin walked up to the pots.
        He lifted the club.
        And destroyed Saci’s fifth pot.
        “COLIN!” yelled Kathy.
        “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” yelled Janelle.
        FaFu simply winked and high fived Colin.
        “We’re totally screwed,” Janelle whispered to Kathy, “They’re trying to lose on purpose.”
        ‘Oh my God,” said Kathy.
        “Colin,” said Anne, “If I do understand correctly, you struck your own pot.”
        “Yes ma’am,” said Colin.
        “Ok…,” said a confused Anne, “Well, then. Saci now only has one pot left. Iara still has six, and Caipora rests at four.”
        “We can’t get the next question right,” said Janelle, “It’s Scott’s time to hit.”
        “Which of the following was a physical aspect of Saci? A – He had fire hair, B – His feet were backwards, C – He was half-fish or D – He was missing a leg.”
        “Dat be easy!” said Juanita.
        This time, everyone got it right except for Janelle and Kathy, who missed the question on purpose and thus took away Scott’s right to eliminate Saci from the competition. Stephenie tried to purposefully miss the question and ended up with the correct answer.
        “Saci, only three of you got the right answer,” said Anne, “But Caipora and Iara each get a hit.”
        Clay, perhaps out of pity for Saci, hit Iara.
        But by then it didn’t really matter – Juanita walked up to Saci’s last post and put it out of its misery once and for all.
        “It appears we’re done,” said Anne, “Iara and Caipora, congratulations. You are tonight’s strongest links.”
        She handed each winning tribe a black totem.
        “Saci,” she said, “I will see you five at Tribal Council, where one of you will go home.”
        Scott and Colin grinned at each other.

---

DAY 12

SACI CAMP

        SCOTT: We threw yesterday’s immunity challenge because whatever, you know what I’m sayin’? We gots the majority, we’ll vote one of them bitches home.

        It had to have been the most uncomfortable morning for Janelle and Kathy. The only person who talked to them besides each other was Alan, and he only did so in small doses, always watchful to see if Scott or Colin were looking.

        KATHY: Janelle and I have gone beyond sitting ducks. We are now practically roasted and ready to be served with sweet and sour sauce.

        A little after lunch, Scott approached Colin and Alan to make sure Janelle was still their primary target.
        “What’s it gon’ be?” said Scott, “We stick wit Janelle or do we go for the other one?”
        “Whatever, send them bitches home,” said Colin.
        “We gotta think about who will help us in the challenges,” said Alan.
        “Dude, it don’t matter,” said Scott, “We’ll throw the next one too and get rid of the other one. Then it’s just the three of us.”
        “But what if we lose a challenge after they’re both gone?” Alan asked.
        “We won’t, dude,” said Colin, “We’re gonna be unbeatable when those two are gone.”
        “I don’t know….”

        Alan was confused all day long. For all he knew, he was safe tonight, and could easily vote for Janelle without earning her ire – she was expecting it anyway.
        Something about her performance at the challenge – not wanting to quit and getting mad when Colin and Scott did – impressed Alan, and he began to change his mind about the vote. Maybe Janelle wasn’t the best vote-out candidate after all.
       
        ALAN: I’ve got a very important decision to make. I know exactly where Scott’s and Colin’s votes are going, and I have a pretty good idea who Janelle and Kathy will vote for. The question now is – do I force a tie by voting for a third person, or do I stick with my old alliance and vote out Janelle? I’m confused. This is a cusp moment in my game, and I wanna make sure I get the best of it.

        As they headed to Tribal Council, the Saci tribe was evenly divided. Colin and Scott led the way, talking up a storm about how much food Janelle was about to eat. Alan followed behind them, not close enough to be in the conversation but not far behind enough that the other two became suspicious. Janelle and Kathy were in the back, heads down, seemingly defeated.

        In a couple of minutes, one of them would be gone.

---

TRIBAL COUNCIL #4

        “Welcome to Tribal Council,” said Anne, “Who is less liked by their own tribe than Patricia Jackson was skinny? It is time to find out.”
        The Tribe walked in and sat down. Janelle and Kathy held hands.
        “So, Colin,” said Anne, “It is my understanding you threw today’s challenge. Was that a group decision or was it an individual one?”
        “That was absolutely not a group decision,” said Colin, “We just realized we have a majority and, quite frankly, we don’t wanna live with them anymore. So one down today, one down three days from now, and it’s smooth sailing after that.”
        Janelle shook her head. Kathy made sailing motions with her hand.
        “Janelle,” said Anne, “How do you feel about this decision?”
        “Personally, Anne, I think they’re fucking dumb,” Janelle answered, “They’re gonna get rid of me and Kathy, sure, but what happens when it’s just the three of them and they lose?”
        “It ain’t gon’ happen,” said Scott.
        “Right, just like you said you’d never be voted off American Idol and got eliminated the same day,” said Kathy, “You keep thinking that.”
        “So, Scott,” said Anne, “What does Colin mean by ‘we’?”
        “He means the three of us from old Caipora,” said Scott, “Me, him and Alan. We tight.”
        “Alan, care to elaborate?”
        “We were in an alliance together back at the old tribe,” said Alan, “So when we moved, it was only natural to keep it going.”
        Something in his eyes seemed oddly uncomfortable.
        “Well, then,” said Anne, “Girls, I’m so sorry, but it is time to vote. Janelle, you are first.”
        Janelle got up, adjusted her red buff in her hair, and walked up the stone steps that led to the voting urn.
        She voted for Colin. “If we had lost fair and square I wouldn’t be half as fucking pissed at you as I am. You fucking gold digging asshole.”
        Kathy also voted for Colin. “You’re playing dirty. You’re playing dirty, and I hope I get the chance to be your Dove soap.”
        Colin and Scott, as predicted, voted for Janelle.

        Alan was last.
        He stared at his parchment for an extended period of time, thinking things over in his head, uncapping the pen, beginning to write down a name, then capping the pen again.
        By the time he cast his vote some of the decorative torches had burned out completely.
        “I will now read the votes,” said Anne.
        She retrieved the voting urn and brought it to her podium.
        “Once I read the votes, there is nothing you can do,” said Anne, “You must leave into your banishment at once.”
        “Doesn’t have the same zing as what Jeff used to say,” said Kathy.
        “Excuse me?” said Anne, giving Kathy a disapproving look.
        “Sorry, don’t mind me,” she said, “proceed.”
        “I will now count the votes.”
        She opened the urn and read the first vote. “Janelle.”
        “Surprise, surprise!” said Janelle.
        “Next vote…Colin.”
        “Aw,” said Colin mockingly, “Sweet Janellikins is pissed off!”
        “Awww, po’ baby!” said Scott.
        “Third vote,” Anne continued, “Janelle.”
        Janelle looked down t the ground. Scott and Colin broke into obnoxious laughter.
        “Fourth vote….Colin.”
        “Kathy, you’re fucking stupid,” said Colin, “We might have liked you more if you voted for Janelle too.”
        “Two votes for Janelle, two votes for Colin. I will now read the final vote.”
        Janelle grabbed her bag. Kathy put her head down.

        “The fourth person voted off Survivor: Reality Stars is…”
        Colin began waving at Janelle.

        “……..Colin.”
       
        Colin’s jaw dropped.
        “W-what?” said Colin, “Huh? What?”
        “That ain’t right, man!” said Scott.
        “Nah, you can’t be serious.”
        “It’s what it says,” said Anne, showing Colin the slip.
        “Nah, you tampered with it,” said Colin.
        “No, I didn’t. Colin, please bring me your—“
        “YOU FUCKING TAMPERED WITH IT YOUR FUCKING BITCH!”
        He jumped out toward Anne, but Alan grabbed him in midair.
        “COLIN, IT WAS ME,” said Alan, “I VOTED FOR YOU.”
        Scott’s jaw dropped this time.
        “You asshole,” said Scott, “You traitorizing asshole!”
        “Colin, please bring me your torch before I’m forced to call security.”

        And he had no choice.
        “Colin,” said Anne, “You are………..theweakestlink. Goodbye.”
        And she put out Colin’s torch.
        He grabbed his bag, shook Scott’s hand, and made his way down the stone path backwards, looking straight at Alan the entire time.
        When he was out of sight, Alan high-fived both Janelle and Kathy and said “Good job, girls.” They both giggled and winked.

        “Head back to your campsite,” said Anne, “I will see you tomorrow.”

---

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR: REALITY STARS

- Stephenie is shocked to find Colin gone from Saci.
- Scott suddenly finds himself to be the outsider of Saci and begins to strategize with members of the other teams.
- A tribemate is trapped between friendship and strategy when faced with a difficult decision.

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A couple of questions:

1. After reading episode 4, which tribe is your favorite?
2. Which has been your favorite challenge so far?
3. Which has been your least favorite challenge?
4. Who do you think will win?
5. Who do you think will go next?

Thanks for all the support!

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BREAKING NEWS!!

Starting with Episode 4 and lasting throughout the entire series, survivoronline2005 will provide commentary and episode predictions! :)

So, get ready for the amazing:

SURVIVORONLINE2005’S REVIEW AND PREDICTIONHey all! This is my new column! Isn’t it pretty? Anyways lol, lots of work to put into few words, so lets get started. Anyways, we had a huge ep 4, with Saci coming into play, totally turning alliances (the biggest one being the alliance of 5 on Iara) upside down….BRILLIANT! Soooo we have a new host (Who I may say makes me Miss Holly, never imagined I would have said that!) who mixes things up too. Anyways, the episode starts out with Stephanie in control, but recently it looks like she may not stay MUCH longer due to her new tribe. Either her or Sam, but who knows, maybe the alliance I see forming will change… Back to Saci, our new tribe! Janelle was able to scramble amazingly, surprised that Alan is that stupid…no wait, I forgot he’s like that. Anyways, before my column is over, we have one tribe left. Iara. They are on the verge of a MAJOR breakdown, someone has to leave the alliance of 5 and it’s gonna be UGLY. Such a shame too, the tribe is HILAROUS! Mama Weaver, Omarosa, chenbot…Anyways, Caipora seems like the week tribe so I say the next ep will go like this.
Reward: Iara
Immunity:Iara and Saci
BOOT:Stephenie