EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING NINTENDO:

http://seanbaby.com/nes.htm


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Your Random Nintendo Quote:
"Excellent! Your level is increased!"
- Crystalis
image EGM's 10 Naughtiest Games: The Director's Cut
The uncensored and breast-filled, dong-launching version of the 9 Naughtiest Games that appeared in the 2002 Christmas issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly.

image EGM's Crapstravaganza: The Director's Cut
This is the uncensored version of the massive article from the 150th issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly, where I attacked the twenty worst games of all time.

image The Further Adventures of Mark Discordia
You knew him and laughed at him from his appearance in Nintendo Power's fan mail section; now you can meet the man behind the pathetic letter, and read the pathetic letters behind that.

image Dear Nintendo, My Life is a God Damn Mess
There were some fucked up people that wrote into Nintendo Power over the years. Some of them were just crazy, and some of them were missing limbs and moving Mario around with the ones they had left. Here are some of the highlights of your Nintendo's fan mail.

image Based on Crap: The 10 Worst Ideas to Make NES Games About
Vehicular crash test mannequins, corporate mascots, Sunday School, and Wall Street are all things insane game designers decided they should adapt for your Nintendo. Every single one of them will make you say, "Whoa. Some asshole made a game about that?"

image The 20 Worst Nintendo Games of All Time
It might be too late now, but if you had read this years ago, it just might have saved your life. It's about twenty life-threateningly bad games I suffered through so you won't have to. Sorry I wrote it 10 years after everyone had already thrown out their Nintendos.

image Video Review: Video Game Secrets & Strategies
One day, two kids in got together to help teach us how to be better at Nintendo. Only they spent so much time designing their "Video Game Team" jumpsuits, they didn't have time to learn how to play. This article takes a detailed look at the accident they filmed.

image Nintendo Video: Skip Rogers Teaches Us How to Score
What would happen if someone decided that they were World Video Game Champion and had access to a video camera and a casio keyboard? Come see, fuckers. It's not pretty. Starring some guy named Skip Rogers and his terrible Nintendo tips.

image Useless Power-Ups
Some items in games seemed useless because you couldn't figure out that "GRUMBLE GRUMBLE" actually meant "Please give me beef," or that "LAMP IS GOOD" meant "The lamp is terrific." But those Power-Ups only seem bad because of the communication barrier between people that spoke this language and the Japanese people that wrote video games with it. Here are some items that just sucked period.

image Atari 2600 and a Brief History of Video Games
From virtual teeth brushing to hardcore Atari 2600 pornography, this article features some of the most embarrassing moments in video game history. Did you know you could play Hide n' Seek on your Atari? Did you know there was a game where you controlled Mr. T's severed head? Did you know I wasn't kidding about the Atari pornography? Hot Nude Atari 2600 Action. These girls will do ANYTHING. Get it here.

image Wally Bear and the NO! Gang
Back in the eighties, we did a lot more than film ourselves frying eggs to keep us off drugs. We made Nintendo games about hip skateboarding bears. I've got to warn you, if you read this, you're totally going to be COOL enough to stay in SCHOOL.

image The NES Congratulation! Awards
Featuring only two of the New Kids on the Block, this is a nostalgiac awards ceremony where Nintendo things are awarded trophies for different areas of excellence including Sexiest Game Character, Best Dialogue, and Most Fucked Up Game.

image Ninja Gaiden
The tale of Ryu Hayabusa, a secret ninja on his quest to reunite his divorced parents and cross the vast Canadian wilderness with two circus dogs. Witness secret ninja techniques as he finds the courage within himself to get enough money to save his breakdancing orphanage. His task will be hard. Will he learn the magic of teamwork and friendship in time to be a true hero?

image Mega Man
The fight for everlasting peace begins here as two scientists decide the fate of the world with destructive but adorable robots. Besides my crap, there's also stunningly useless commentary by the stars of Golgo 13 and Whomp 'em.

image Bubble Bobble
Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! A story about bubble-blowing dinosaurs and flying purple whales. Shirley Whiteman, chairperson of Mothers Against Fucked Up Games, commented about this article in her now infamous supermarket speech, "I won't let my kids play this insane trash. Why aren't there any games about good table manners or tea parties?"

image Pro Wrestling
It's the adventure of an afternoon as six bizarre wrestlers go on a quest to beat the Great Puma. Even with all of today's technology, pyrotechnics, and female wrestler hotpants, this is somehow the greatest wrestling game ever made.

image Super Dodge Ball
Hi! Just like your gym coach, Sam and the American Dodge Ball Team promoted capitalism and democracy through dodge ball. After winning the tournament, they got nationally recognized as heroes for almost days before returning to their previous jobs at the sewage treatment plant. Said one geek: "This is such a realistic simulation of dodge ball, I felt like I was in fourth grade again playing dodge ball on my Nintendo!"

image River City Ransom
Claimed by all non-retards to be the greatest game of all time, it's about the adventures of a young Jesus Christ in his high tech go-kart, as he and his Hindu sidekick, Hadji, save Christmas. Can you rescue Santa in time to prevent Elf X's Doomsday Bomb? Featuring the return of your mother's favorite hustler, Karnov, this page is sure to make you want to never read another stupid fucking web page ever again.

image Mega Man Characters
Get equipped with Bubble Lead in this very special tribute to Mega Man and his friends and enemies. All the bios and dick jokes Nintendo forgot to include. Warning: contains images of partially and fully nude robots and little blue boys riding dogs.