OK, so on my way home I figure I'd give it one more try (I brought my modem with me) and get a new one. While I was waiting in line (1/2 hour) I noticed how scratched and beat up the one they gave me yesterday was. So I asked for an actual new one. She said they rarely get new ones, but I can pick from a selection. I picked the newest looking one and guess what, I get him and it fucking works. Guess they don't actually test these things when they are turned in, just shrink wrap them.