Project Runway: The Past Is Prologue

By Brian Moylan, 2:12 PM on Fri Oct 30 2009, 4,150 views (Edit, to draft, Slurp)

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Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to have a vision. The delusion to repeat that vision with a new vision. The vision of inspiration, the delusion that vision can be your inspiration. Ah, so confused!

Yes, this challenge on our favorite NASCAR sewing race left us totally befuddled. Our hapless designers had to use their past winning looks as inspiration for a new look that would accompany them. So, it's kind of like take a winner and try to do it again. That makes sense. However, if the winner looks are such duds, that they don't't really make for such great touchstones to launch into the future. And Logan's wasn't even a winner. It was the only piece of his clothing they actually like that isn't the tight, shiny pants that he wears that make his little tush look so tasty! Then guess what happened? They gave them some money, told them go to Mood and make whatever the fuck they want. Way to really mix it up and get them out of their comfort zone by having access to the exact same materials they had access to before and telling them to make something just like something they made in the past. This isn't about innovation, it is about regurgitation.

Things We Hated:

• There Are No One-Trick Ponies This Year: Well, actually, there are plenty but no one is getting called out for it, because we don't have the same judges two weeks in a row! That's right, Queen Tangerine was fighting the Great Bronzer Uprising of 2009 in her home kingdom last night and could not be on hand to judge the challenge. So, Carol Hannah is all "I shouldn't make a dress, they're going to notice that I only do dresses." No they won't! They don't even know your name, how can they know your design aesthetic. This infurates me, because it means that good designers-Epperson, Shinira, Spell Check (ha, just kidding)-have been kicked out for having a bad week when we have people like Logan, Gordana, and Christopher still hanging around like that button on your winter coat that you know, just know, is going to fall off any day now and every day it annoys you but you think, "I can get rid of it tomorrow," so you just leave it there to dangle indefinitely until it falls off in a cab or the gutter somewhere never to be heard from again. They're just like that.
• Althea Hates Bras: Apparently part of the inspiration she took from her first look was letting her models titties just flop around like ADD toddlers in the back seat of a station wagon. Just because you're as flat as the pre-Columbian world doesn't mean that your model is. Get her an undergarment!
• Not Knowing What Is Good and What Is Bad: Usually when the six final winners and losers are called to stay on the runway, there is some idea about who is good and who is bad. Last night, everyone got to stay, but we had no idea what the judges were going to think, because they were all pretty shitty and uninspired. That makes us sad like the death of a kitten from swine flu.
• Heidi's Motherfucking Outfit: What the fuck was Heidi wearing at judging? (If you want to, you can click on it below. It's number 7, and it is the scariest thing you will see this Halloween). We had to rewind to make sure that we saw it correctly, because at first we thought she was Liberace's houseboy who washed up on shore after doing too much meth during the costume party of a gay cruise. Let's break it down. First, there is a blue blazer, that looks Ralph Lauren Polo enough, until you notice that there are random patches of sparkle on the sleeves. Did a bunch of Bob Mackie's sequin shit rub off on her when he was a guest judge? Then, she is wearing a pink, printed, ruffled, tuxedo shirt. This points out the problem of conjunctions in fashion. Just imagine the difference between a stylist saying "Wear that with pink or a print or a ruffle or a tuxedo shirt," and saying "Wear that with a shirt that is pink and a print and a ruffle and a tuxedo!" And then, and then, we have to discuss the sparkly Bermuda short situation. Now, fetish gear can be great to spice up the bedroom, but please, do not wear it outside the house, especially when it looks like something Team Rainbow might have worn in the Las Vegas AIDSRide in 1999. Does Heidi realize that the show she hosts is about fashion! Did nobody realize this ensemble before it sashayed down the runway like a hooker looking for its pimp? What did Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine say? Why didn't Nick speak out? And why do they continue to let this woman continue to judge other people's clothes!
• Using the Model's Names: Just because they have their own show now does not mean we care about them, their personalities, or their feelings. Please stop using their names. They are not people, they are the help.
• "Celebrities": One of the positives of the move to L.A. was supposed to be that we would get celebrities on the show. Who have we gotten? Rachel Bils-who? Milla Jovo-who? Lindsay Lohan (we know her), Christina Aguillera (her too, but we forgot about her for awhile), and Kerry Who-shington? Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker was on the show in New York? Just saying.
• Neutrals: Does the palatial L.A. Mood not have a color aisle? Why is every outfit every week either grey, black, white, brown, beige, or something else that is the color of emu vomit. At this point navy blue would be so bright that it would burn up the retinas of all the designers like a film strip left in the projector too long. If someone wants to differentiate themselves, why not make something out of bright yellow neoprene with a giant octopus jizz stain on it. Oh, Ra'Mon. How we long for your apostrophe-riddled days of yore.

Things We Loved:

• Nick Verreos: What a delightful surprise! Nick was kicked off way too early in season two and was one of the most talented and likeable designers in Runway history, and he filled in for Ms. Kors last night. Rather than a shrill, orange gay in a dumpy outfit, we got a witty, naturally olive gay in a dapper ensemble and it made us weep nostalic %$#@$ of joy. We're starting a campaign right now: for the upcoming L.A. seasons, replace Ms. Kors with Mr. Verreos. He's smart, knowledgeable, funny, and he knows exactly what the designers are going through on the show. He may not have the name recognition of Michael Kors, who is well know to all TJ Maxx shoppers the world over, but all the Runway diehards know who he is, and that will go a long way toward making us kinda sorta deal with this Lifetime bullshit.
• Gordana The Kung Fu Mom: She may murder Smurfs with her hands and the audience with her boring clothes, but Gordana actually made us laugh last night when she made a funny and said she was going to kick everyone's ass like a "kung fu mom." Oh, the delicious delusion! And how cute were her baby pictures in Bosnia or Serbia or wherever her and Uncle Gargamel are from. Aww.
• Althea Sees Past Logan's Sparkly Tight Pants: "Just because he's cute, he thinks he can do whatever he wants." Yes, Althea, he can, but don't you let him get away with it. You go and win this challenge and show him who is the homely boss!
• Mean-a Irina: This is what the designers call her, and as much as we hate anyone who says "I'm not here to make friends," we love her for being the only one interesting enough to watch on live television. If only she know how to make something that wasn't the color of baby diarrhea.

In the end, we were spared ever having to look at our former crush Logan and his droopy condom of a hat again. Althea won, for some strange reason, but no one deserved to. Althea's winner looked like something Daniel V made and then euthanized, because it was too ugly to live. Logan's loser would be the butt of every joke Jay McCarroll ever made. Carol Hannah's was some boring babydoll thing that Santino Rice could poop out in 26 minutes. Christopher's looked like the best thing that Wendy Pepper ever made, which means it deserves a special medal of disgusting. Irina's was actually like the first dress that Laura Bennett ever made when she was 15 and paired with a sweater she bought at Goodwill. And Gordana's was the visual equivalent of Ambien.

We're going to snore our way through the videos now to see Althea and Irina accuse others of theft, and to see everyone just laugh at Christopher. It will be worth the journey, but just remember this is a monster at the end of this book, and it's name is Heidi.

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