Apocalypse Now: American Idol (loser) lands Rolling Stone cover

11 June, 2009, 19:22

Today, the American entertainment industry no longer sets the standards in cultural excellence; it mindlessly follows the stench of trash like desperate pack rats.

Adam Lambert has made the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. I repeat: Adam Lambert has made the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

Why should this be considered big news? Precisely because Adam Lambert is not big news.

As for Rolling Stone magazine, they have set the talent bar so low that even cockroaches can crawl safely over it now. The only explanation is that the financial crisis has hit the glossy magazine industry so hard below the belt that Rolling Stone must suck up to mass hysteria rather than providing a sober reality check on our frivolous passions.

In the past, having your precious face grace the cover of Rolling Stone was reserved for a handful of 100 percent time-tested stars. Although a highly coveted solo cover photograph for Rolling Stone is (check that: was) the greatest tribute, many great performers had to share the hallowed space with a group photo of the entire band. But the only other living thing the American Idol runner-up had to share his Rolling Stone cover with was a green snake, coiling up his outstretched leg.

So what is so special about Adam Lambert? After all, as we said, he came in second place on American Idol, behind another incredible mediocrity, the show's come-from-behind underdog, Kris Allen. Before that, Mr. Lambert's claim to fame was stuck somewhere between a high school rendition of Star Wars and the Twilight Zone.

Did American Idol winner Kris Allen get a Rolling Stone cover? No, he didn't. Why? Probably because the folksy Kris Allen is boring, heterosexual and predictable in a Presbyterian sort of way. He comes across as the type of regular guy who, in twenty years time, will have 3.2 kids, a wood-paneled station wagon in the driveway, an immaculately manicured lawn and a host of ugly relatives coming to his house for weekend barbeques.

Adam Lambert, on the other hand, is the perfect specimen for what constitutes star material today. A hybrid between female rocker Pink and Goth-rocker Marilyn Manson, Lambert is eccentric, photogenic and, as the Rolling Stone magazine revealed in the biggest non-shocker of the year, homosexual. Gasp! So behind all of the breathless hype and excitement, the real secret of Lambert's success (to date) is his manly decision to come out of the closet.

In the Rolling Stone story (which carries the utterly ridiculous title, "Wild Idol: The Psychedelic Transformation and Sexual Liberation of Adam Lambert") Lambert confesses, "Right after the finale, I almost started talking about it (his sexuality) to the reporters, but I thought, 'I'm going to wait for Rolling Stone, that will be cooler."

It was precisely this 'mystery' about Lambert's sexuality that got everybody talking about the budding star in the first place. In other words, Lambert is proving himself to be the perfect businessman, or he already has a terrific agent.

On why he auditioned for American Idol, Lambert said: "I looked at the music business, and realized it is nearly impossible to make it with the way it is right now. No one is going to take a chance with an artist who is 'somewhat out there'… I realized that I wouldn't be taken seriously as a recording artist unless I had a huge platform."

Nobody is going to take their chances with an artist who is "somewhat out there"? Is Lambert kidding himself? The entire entertainment industry from New York to Los Angeles is built on exactly those people who are "somewhat out there." And what better way to get that "huge platform" than to sell the pitiful story of a homosexual rocker who can't get a fair break in the big, bad entertainment industry. Mr. Lambert acts like he is the first homosexual to come out of the closet in the world of entertainment. He certainly is not, but he might just be the first (alleged) homosexual who gets his big break by playing guessing games with his sexuality.

Is this article meant to slam alternative lifestyles? Not at all. But Rolling Stone magazine, by showcasing a young man whose only real qualification to date is a confused sexuality (he admits in the story that he "likes girls"), has damaged its reputation as a publication dedicated to devotion - as opposed to base promotion - of reputable celebrities.

Adam Lambert may very well go on to be a superstar, but he should do it like every other superstar who has appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone: earn it.

Robert Bridge, RT

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