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*Nels Oleson wearing his pimp hat*

I know what you are thinking "Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat????? Nels was not a pussy." And I would argue that with a big "was so!" and then I would give you the finger. I would guess you would probably push me down and kick me in the face after that and I would probably cry, but anywho, how else would you describe a man who couldn't even control his wife during a time period where women were encouraged not to think????? Still Nels makes the list. Why? Nels married money and I like it when a man takes money from his bitch. Nel's fat wife was so rich that the couple was able to open a restaurant named after beloved dorter Nellie and also ran the Mercantile. Nels was the father of two (later three) children and all were bratty pieces of shit who walked all over Nels like the doormat he was, along with his very fat wife Harriet. Nels didn't care…he was pimp! He married money and that was good enough for him. He also had a lot of candy in his store and would always bitch at his kids when they would steal it. I personally believe Nels would use that candy to lure unsuspecting 12 year olds to his basement, but it was too violent for Little House to tackle, so sadly we will never know. Nels Oleson will always be pimp though. The only bad memory I have of Nels is when he left his money (and fat wife) when he got tired of dealing with her! Never leave your money (kill the fat wife if you can't live with her!)

Nels Quotes:

"Harriet!"

"Hey little girl!"

"YES, I DO HATE YOU"

*Willie caught in the act*

K, I know what you are thinking "whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat? Why are so many Olesons on the list?" As a response to that crazy question no one actually asked, I am proudly stating that the Olesons are awesome and YOU will see the two remaining Olesons on the list soon. Their whole family made the show while the Ingalls family almost killed it (with kindness). Before, I get ahead of myself and forget all about Willie, I will get to the reasons Willie is awesome. K, first off Willie was the screw up of Walnut Grove and the shame of their school system. He constantly failed his tests, acted up in class, and ate a lot, although he never got fatter his head did. Especially in the early years of the show and it just adds to his greatness. Willie was so goofy looking and he wore this really fucked up looking outfit. I don't know why his mother insisted on making him dress that way, but it might explain why Willie had no friends or maybe Willie's selfishness is a better explanation as the reason Willie was friendless, but he was. I remember one episode Willie was trying to put on a play for all Walnut Grove. He was doing Tom Sawyer but he needed a friend! He didn't have any, so he bribes these two kids to be his friends and be in the playz with him. When Willie was unable to come up with the stuff he needed to buy their love and approval they dumped paint on him (IT WAS MEANT FOR THE FUCKING FENCE YOU TWO OTHER KIDS) so Willie is forced to walk into School covered in white stuff (The show said it was paint, but his name was Willie so idk) and the whole town laughed and actually pointed at him. I would have gone home and wrote in my diary about how I want to beat them all with sticks, but Willie didn't do that. He kept his head held up high and blamed the other kids for being selfish! You go Willie! He also looks the type that would go to your house and masturbate to your mother's bloomers. They were going to do an episode like that, but it wasn't meant to be. Still, Willie will always be remembered in my heart as that goofy looking kid who once got covered in white stuff and laughed at because of it. Most guys can relate to him.

Willie's Quotes:
"You gonna eat that?"
"Even the big boys want to play now!"
"I am gonna hit you with a snowball!"
"We finally get rid of Nellie and you bring home another one!"

#5. Percival Dalton

*No Holocaust is going to get me!*

I know what you are thinking "Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhat? Who the hell is this guy?" and the answer to that question would be the star of season 7. The only season he happens to appear in. He was a star though. A spunky Jew from New York, Percival would change his last name from Cohen to Dalton so he could find work in Walnut Grove. He first came to Walnut Grove at the end of season 6 and immediately got into Nasty Nellie's face to say "wats up? Why you spoiled?" and then hilariously dumped eggs on her head when she made fun of his height. Percival was always up in someone's face telling them how it was going to be and most of the time it was Harriet Oleson. He wasn't afraid to say anything to the woman everyone else in town feared, even calling her fat one episode and making her cry. Percival would later marry Nellie and change her life dramatically. One episode Percival's parents came to town to try and guilt Percival into making his unborn son a Jew. Percival was way too spunky to be bullied by his ma and pa and told them how it was gonna be! In the end, Percival demanded God give him two kids and God did: A son to be raised as a Jew and a dorter to be raised as a Christian. I think it's a brilliant idea. I am going to raise each of my 12 future children under a different religion, hopefully one is right. Anywho, He left the show with Nellie at the end of season 7 after his pa died. The only sad thing about Percival was how he would always mention how nothing like a Holocaust could ever happen. Still, even if Percival would be alive to see the Holocaust, no doubt in my mind he would have kicked Hitler's ass after challenging him to a dramatic duel! You go Percie! Aint no Holocaust going get you!

Percival's Quotes:

"Nellie, I do not want you fat like your mother!"

"I may be short but I aint going to let you push me around!"

"I want Nellie to be happy"