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Okay, I'm feeling better now. I've done a few yoga poses and feel like I've taken a big karmic dump of all that negative energy that BITCH KLUM keeps sending my way.



Ahem. It's my new brand of FIERCE yoga. Yes, you have to do it in ten-inch heels. Expect the workout video to start showing up in remainder bins in the next few months.

Now, where was I? Jesus, is this Runway show still going? Huh, we're only two challenges in? I'm not sure I have the stamina for this. Nevertheless, I'll now direct my attention towards.. *throws a dart, hitting Roshawn in the forehead*... maximillian! Ooh, baby, you sure know how to please a woman. And your design's not bad either. You realise that I'm awkwardly flirting with you again, right? Acknowledge it! Now! Anyway, your lingerie looks very nice.. I'm not sure how good it would look on a 'normal size' woman like me -

All designers, judges and crew:

- though. Maybe we'll find out later... here's the key to my hotel room.

That brings me to Yema. Gurl, you know I want to rig this competition in your favour, you're a strong black woman like me, you FIERCE. But you're making it hard for me to do. It seems like most of your effort in this challenge went towards chemically altering the colour of your model's skin. Now, I'm all for torturing aspiring models with grotesque makeovers, but I mainly stick to the hair. Usually I just sew a gigantic red mop to one of my girls' heads, for kicks. But I guess your model already had one of those naturally. Anyway, you should have spent less time on weird science and more on getting your lingerie looking a a bit more.. presentable.

Next up is Blondzilla... another great effort. You're quickly becoming the front-runner in this competition. Which means other people will be jealous. I've dealt with this so many times in my life... people are confronted by my extraordinary beauty and hate me for it. Well you've just got to keep on doing the best you can, no matter what the skinny, white German bitches may say. You better keep it up, because I love nothing more than a surprise boot of the frontrunner for a completely arbitrary reason.

And now, Pupa. Your look is a bit... trashy. It kinda reminds me of a washed-up old hooker I once knew.



Janice: Zip it bitch, you're dead in my book.

Hey, I wasn't going to name names. Where the hell did you just pop out of, anyway? Ugh, now I'm all distracted. Anyway, your look was just too tacky. I'd stay away from the hot pink if I were you.

Who's next? pinoyako? Well, I have one word to say. *takes a deep breath* FIIIIIIEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRCE. Your look would be flattering to people of all shapes and sizes, including all the normal-size women like me. And I just love that coloured-pencil texture you've got going on there, it shows you really put the effort in. In fact your outfit was so eye-catching that it completely distracted me from your tranny-fierce model's size 12 man feet. Dominique, is that you?

And that brings me to louie's design... ugh, what can I say? I could just projectile vomit my chicken wings everywhere, which would pretty much sum up my feelings towards this outfit. For one thing.. it's not really lingerie. It looks like something a dumpy housewife would wear while out redeeming her food stamps. I'd say the redeeming point of the outfit is the boots, but I'm not sure they even count, or come close to making up for the rest of the outfit making this poor girl look about four feet wide.

Now please, commence your on-stage meltdowns for my amusement.