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THE WIZARD OF AMOZON
Act Two

Matty knew that he was close to Jacare City. He could see it in the distance.


"Almost there," he said to Christy, Dave and Butch. He wasn't sure whether they heard him, but Matty didn't care. He had had enough of their strange idiosyncrasies - Christy's inability to pronounce the letter "r"; Dave's macho posturing, even though Matty could see that he wasn't really made of tin; Butch's silent, growing insanity. But suddenly, a wind rustled the trees. A stinky wind.


Matty looked into the forest and noticed that there was a beautiful woman standing in the river, bathing herself. She was almost naked.


"Wow," thought Matty. Dave and Butch were beside him, looking at the nubile creature as well. Butch was frightened, and backed away in terror. But Dave kept watching the woman in awe.


"Well, I'm going to go and ask her out," said Dave the Tin Man. "No!" cried Matty, because he knew Dave would strike out - AGAIN. But Dave didn't listen. He walked right through the trees up to the beautiful woman. "Um...hi. I'm Dave. Which world leader do you --"


But all of a sudden, the pretty thing changed into an ugly thing - a very ugly thing. It was really Heideous in disguise!


Heideous giggled, and then unleashed the full force of her disgusting breath on Dave. It was too much for him - his skin rusted and began to corrode. He fell down, dead.


Matty looked around wildly for Christy and Butch, but they were gone somewhere. Before he could react, Heideous had grabbed him, and he was being carried away, high above the forests. He was being taken to evil Jenna...



On the indistinct dirt path, not far from where Matty had just been taken away by Heideous, Butch and Christy sat down.


"You know, I really like your smile," the usually-silent Butch said.


"Sank you," tittered Christy in response...




As Jenna watched from her Lair of Evil, Heideous approached with a large shadow underneath her. It was Matty, of course. Jenna chortled with glee when she thought of how much fun she was going to have dismembering Matty.


Heideous landed and dropped Matty on the floor of the dungeon that Jenna was standing in. The monkey disappeared, leaving just Jenna and Matty alone.


"Did you really think you'd get away with killing my good friend, Shawna? For that, you must pay!" she cried. Matty was scared, but he didn't want to admit it. However, he could see no way out of this situation at all... Then - BANG! There was a flash of light, and Deena was standing over Matt.


"Deena!" yelled Matt. "Thank goodness you're here to rescue me!" Deena chuckled. "Not quite, kiddo. Actually, I'm here to talk to Jenna. I was wondering if I could cut a deal with you. I know I'm supposed to be 'good', and you're supposed to be 'bad', but we need to do something about Joanna, the Good Witch of the South. She's driving me NUTS! She's gone all Jesus-freak on me, and it's really scaring me --"


Jenna nodded. "So what you're saying is, you want to work with me? Form an alliance?" Deena said, "Yes, that's exactly what I mean." While Deena and Jenna were talking amongst themselves, Matty took advantage of the distraction to look for a way to escape.


"So you're open to forming an alliance?"
"Yes, if it means we can get rid of Joanna and rule Amozon together."
"Okay, well first, we need a ritual sacrifice. Hatchetface will do fine --"
"WHAT?" shrieked Jenna.


While the witches argued, Matty had found a machete in the corner. He began to use it to reshape his shoes into a sophisticated flying machine that he could use to escape.


Jenna and Deena were still arguing. "YOU TRAITOR! WE'RE NOT KILLING HATCHETFACE! HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!" screamed Jenna. Jenna was so angry that she decided to kill Deena by using the only thing she knew could hurt a good witch - water. She put Deena in a tub and let her slowly melt away.



"Now that that's done, to get back to Matty. Where did he go?" wondered Jenna aloud as she came back to find the boy. But it was too late. Matty had escaped, and was presently flying somewhere between Jenna's Lair of Evil and Jacare City.



A short while later, Matty touched the ground in Jacare City. As soon as he arrived, he found that Butch and Christy were standing next to him. Due to the fact that the author of this story doesn't feel like filling this large plothole, we'll just say that Butch and Christy were blown to Jacare City by a magical wind.


It was fairly easy for Matty to find where the Wizard lived, because of the large signs posted along the street that said "This way to the Wizard". Although Christy got separated from the group and lost, Matty and Butch soon found her airing out her armpits.


Matty entered the building where the Wizard was supposed to be. "Hello?" he hollered into the darkness. Then, the lights came on, and he found he was facing a shadowed man. The figure was short, slightly pudgy, and smirking. Matty knew that he was either facing the King of the Geeks, or the Wizard of Amozon.


"Hello," said the man. "I am Rob, the all-powerful Wizard of Amozon! What can I, the smart one, do for you ingrates?"


"Well, we have some wishes we'd like you to grant," said Matty. Butch stepped up. "I wish I had some courage - that is, I mean, if you, uh, have..." Butch trailed off. "Don't worry, my friend," said Rob.


"Let's just see if the Magic 8-Ball knows where we can find some courage..."


"All signs point to YES...hmmm," muttered Rob. "Of course!" he shouted suddenly. He went to a corner and pulled out a large banner. He handed it to Butch.


"Wow!" cried Butch. "I feel so much more courageous now! I believe in myself so much that I'm not afraid of firewood anymore! In fact, I'm going to go stack some now! Bye!" With that, Butch ran off.


Now it was Christy's turn. "Hey, Wob! Uh, you know I was lookin fow a bwain, see, cuz I ain't too smawt, you know?" Rob nodded gravely. "I know exactly what you mean...let's just ask the Magic 8-Ball again..."


"Let's see...'Outcome Cloudy'...that doesn't look good for you, Christy." Rob smiled sheepishly, saying, "I'm sorry, but I won't be able to grant your wish. You'll have to leave now. So sorry." Christy looked angry for a moment, then she left in a huff.


"Now," said Rob, turning to Matty, "you look smart enough. You don't look like you're a very scared person...what's your wish, young man?" Matty replied, "I just want to go back home. I've been here in Amozon for what seems like forever. I'm sure you know some way I can get home right away, don't you?"


Rob smiled. An evil smile, but Matty didn't notice, naive as he was. "Gee, for this one, I don't even need to consult the Magic 8-Ball," he laughed. Matty laughed too. "You mean, you have a way I can get home?" But Rob was already in the next room, beckoning for Matty to follow. In the next room was...some sort of shiny vehicle...was it - yes, it was! Matty couldn't believe that there was a Saturn Ion in front of him!


"Wow...can I really use this to get home?" Matty asked Rob in disbelief. "Yep," said Rob. "All you have to do is get in and say, 'There's no place like home' three times. Or just once, it doesn't really matter anyway." He laughed evilly again, but Matty didn't notice - again.


Matty grinned. "Wow, thanks Rob. You really are a great wizard. Thanks for helping me." Rob cackled, "No problem!" before running away quickly. Matty thought this was slightly odd, but chalked it up to nerdiness and got into the car.


No sooner had he buckled himself in (Matty was a very safe driver), did he notice that the Wicked Witch herself, Jenna, was in the back seat. And she was (mildly) angry.


"HAH HA HAH!" she cried. "You thought you'd gotten away from me, but that's impossible! Luckily, I was able to bend the Wizard here to my will very easily, using my feminine wiles!"


Matty was frightened. "What are you going to do to me?" he asked Jenna. "Why, I'm going to kill you and eat you, so I can be done with you forever!" shrieked Jenna.


And Jenna was as good as her word. In front of a bunch of ghostly witnesses - including Dave the Tin Man, Deena the Good Witch, Hatchetface (who had been killed on a whim anyway), Christy (who had wandered into a giant cheese grater by accident), Heideous (who had also been killed on a whim), Butch (who had burnt up in an accidental fire), and Rob (killed, yada yada) - she also put an end to Matty's life.


Only Butch was courageous enough to speak out against Jenna's brutal victory, but nobody listened to him anyway. As soon as Jeff said, "Jenna has spoken", everyone knew that the wicked witch had triumphed.



And even though nobody else did, Jenna lived happily ever after.