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Episode 1 "Waggin' Fingers, Farwood, Slutty Vids, and More"

"Good afternoon. I'm Jeff Probst."

"And I'm co-host Julie Chen."

The two were standing in a studio in front of the two houses where a game unlike any other was about to begin.

"What happens when you mix together CBS' popular reality shows Survivor and Big Brother?" Julie asked in a robotic voice. "We're about to find out."

"Twelve contestants will be split into two houses of six," Jeff continued. "They will compete against each other for immunity; the losing house will compete in another competition for Head of Household. The Head of Household will nominate two people, and one of these people will be evicted when I visit their house for Tribal Council."

"So without further ado, let's meet the contestants," said Julie. "I think they'll be very familiar to you."

Our first house consists of: Alicia Calaway from Survivor: The Australian Outback...

Alicia: I'm probably the most physically fit Survivor ever. Check out these babies! [Flexes her muscles] As long as I can keep the ghetto in check and that Finger in my pocket, I'm goin' all the way.

...Mia Galeotalanza from Survivor: Vanuatu...

Mia: I think I'm pretty easy-going. I'm pretty good at holding my tongue. [Laughs] Until someone pisses me off, and then I'm gonna let them have it.

...Dirk Been from Survivor: Borneo...

Dirk: The reason I signed up for this was to have fun and grow in my relationship with the Lord. And if I can meet some hot chicks, that would be tight. You know what I'm sayin'?

...Butch Lockley from Survivor: The Amazon...

Butch: I'm probably the oldest guy out here; I might not be too good at the challenges. But if I believe in myself, anything is possible, and I believe I might win this time.

...Linda Spencer from Survivor: Africa...

Linda: I believe in many gods. I know they'll be watching over us during our stay here. As long as we leave them at peace and do nothing to disrespect them, we should be okay.

...and finally, Darrah Johnson from Survivor: Pearl Islands.

Darrah: Ah'm all farred up to play this game. Ah' made it so far last time and ah'm still kinda pissed about not winnin'. Ah' dunno about bein' couped up in a house for such a long time; I grew up outdoors hunnin' and fishin'. But ah'll dew whatever it takes tew win.

"You have so many different personalities on this team," said Julie. "Should be fun to watch."

"Now let's take a look at the second team vying for the million dollar prize."

The second house consists of: Helen Glover from Survivor: Thailand...

Helen: I know so many recipes that are just TO. DIE. FOR. I'll be making so many of them that they won't want to vote me off. Like my old-fashioned blueberry pie recipe. You need 12 ounces of blueberries, 1/2 cup of sugar, a tablespoon of flour, 1/4 cup of butter....

...Tina Wesson, winner of Survivor: The Australian Outback...

Tina: Ah' know that as a winner ah've got a HUGE target on mah' back. But if ah' didn't even play because I thought I would lose and I didn't wanna hurt my reputation, ah'd be being a selfish bitch.

...Ethan Zohn, Survivor: Africa's winner...

Ethan: It's not about winning the million dollars for me; it's about competing against these eleven other players and hopefully beating them.

...Jon Dalton, our villain from Survivor: Pearl Islands.

Jon: I don't play by the rules. I'm ready to go in there, fuck everybody over, stab people in the back, get wasted, film some pornos... Win if you can, lose if you must, but ALWAYS cheat!

...and Jenna Lewis is back from Survivor: Borneo...

Jenna: People call me The Saint because I'd never do anything rude to anybody. I'm a virgin, I've never had sex; I don't plan on it any time soon. I'd certainly never videotape it. I read the Book of Mormon every night. Pfft. Yeah right. I'm SO prepared to slut it up while in this house. I even brought birth control pills as my luxury item.

"That Jenna sure seems a bit loose," Julie laughed. "Should be interesting."

"Now, you only saw five contestants from that team," said Jeff. "That's not all. There are actually seven people, but their fellow houseguests will have no idea. Two people will be switching places in the house every three days and playing as one person. If they can make it past Day 15 without anyone noticing the switch, they'll be allowed to play the game together at the same time."

"Let's take a look."

Heidi Strobel and Jenna Morasca were best friends in Survivor: The Amazon. They even stripped together for peanut butter and chocolate and went on to pose for the cover of Playboy.

Rob Cesternino: Two girls. One brain. Divided by two. Only one half-wit left.

Christy Smith: They're two people stuck in one body.

These two girls will be switching places in the SurviviBrother house every three days and punking their fellow houseguests. They will both play under the name Heidi.

Jenna: I dyed my hair blonde for this. I think I look enough

Heidi: I think we can totally pull this off. With my athletic ability and your intelligence, we're gonna be an unstoppable force. We're gonna be the Masterminds behind everything that goes on in the house.

Jenna: For sure. These guys aren't even gonna know what hit them.

Heidi: What she said. ^

"We'll see if they can pull it off," said Julie. "Heidi will be in the house for the first three days. Now let's check in on our houseguests as they're about to begin the game."

"Thirteen houseguests, thirty days, ONE Survivor!" Jeff's voice echoed through the studio.

(SurviviBrother theme plays)

Day 1

Twelve former Survivors were standing in front of two houses, one purple and one blue. They had been standing here a while and were wondering when something would finally happen.

"I've about had it with this bullshit," Mia whispered to her teammate, Darrah Johnson.

"Ah'm gittin' tarred of waitin'," Darrah agreed.

"We've been standing here for like two HOURS!" screamed Jenna Lewis. "I could have had sex with at least four people in this amount of time." Tina raised her eyebrows and looked over at Helen.

"EEEEEEEEEK!" Jenna shrieked, when she noticed two people walking towards them. "It's Jeff and Julie Chen! Oh my God! The game's starting! SHRIEK! OOOOOOOOOOOOH! I'm so excited." Ethan grinned and shook his head.

"Good afternoon," said Julie Chen. She paused. "And welcome to SurviviBrother."

"Julie's looking like a tranny," Jon whispered to Jenna Lewis.

"Oh, STOP!" Jenna laughed.

"I want you take a good look at the men and women around you," Julie continued, "because believe it or not, this is your new family."

"If Jenna is part of my family now, can I still fuck her?" Jon whispered.

"I'm open 24-7," Jenna laughed.

"You'll get to know each other very well in the next month," Julie went on. "You might just find your new best friend. Or your own worst enemy."

"That sounded dumb; we already know each other," Jon whispered to Jenna. "I thought Asian women were supposed to be intelligent."

"You did?" Jenna asked. "I guess you've never met Shit Can Huang. They are good at ironing clothes, though."

"You've already been grouped into two teams," said Jeff. He looked over at the two groups of six. Julie passed out purple buffs to Jenna Lewis and the rest of her team and then blue buffs to Darrah and her team.

"Your first task will be to think of a team name," said Jeff. "You are not to have contact with any member of the opposing team except at challenges."

The front doors of both houses swung open.

"Good luck," said Jeff. "At the end of thirty days, one of you will walk away with a million dollars."

"EEEEEEEEK!" Jenna squealed.

Jenna, Jon, Helen, Tina, Heidi, and Ethan turned and walked into the two-story purple house behind them. When the last person walked in, the door slammed shut and Mia, Alicia, Dirk, Linda, Butch, and Darrah entered their blue house. The game was officially on.

***

Mia, Alicia, Dirk, Linda, Darrah, and Butch walked into their new living room. All the walls were painted blue to match their team color. In the middle of the room was a big blue couch. Surrounding the couch were the lit torches of each of the six contestants.

"So we gotta think of a team name, ya'll," said Dirk. "What's it gonna be?"

"Well, I thought of a cute name," said Alicia, as she plopped onto the couch. "Miliciairkutcharrda. It's all of our names put together. What do you think?"

"Sounds good enough to me," said Butch.

"Okay," Alicia laughed. "We're all set."

"I'm not going to be on a team with a name like that," Mia spoke up.

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked.

"I can't even pronounce that," said Mia. "It's a shitty name."

"Well, could you think of anything better?" Alicia yelled. "Because if you can, I'd be more than happy to hear it."

"Well, no, but–" Mia started to say.

"Then DO NOT JUMP ALL OVER ME, babe! I'm actually contributing and trying to come up with something. And if you can't do better, quit criticizing me and stay out of my face!"

"What crawled up your ass and died?" Mia asked. "Bitch."

"The minute we walked in the door, Mia started getting in my face and jumping down my throat," Alicia said in the diary room, a room where the houseguests could give their thoughts without being overheard by their fellow competitors. "I don't have very much patience for people like that. I can tell right off the bat that I'm not going to be able to deal with her."

"I'm sure we can all come to an agreement on something," said Butch. He reached into his suitcase and pulled out a burned and tattered blue sign. "This is my school banner that I brought to Survivor: Amazon. It used to say 'Believe in Yourself' but it got ruined when I burned the camp down."

"Dude, what's your point?" Mia asked.

"Well, it's a motto that I live by and tell my students every day. If you believe in yourself, anything is possible. Believe to achieve. I just think that our team's already gotten off to kinda a bad start, and we need to focus and believe in ourselves if we want to move forward. So I thought maybe we could hang this banner up outside and name ourselves Team Believe to motivate us."

"That's a WONDERFUL idea!" Linda exclaimed. She got down on her knees. "Now can we all just get along? We're a TEAM, people!"

Mia shook her head.

"I'm not just gonna sit back and pretend that everything's okay," Mia said in the diary room. "There are definitely some people here who are gonna be hard to live with. And our team name? Team Believe? Sounds kind of corny to me. I mean, don't get me wrong– it's better than that crap Alicia came up with, but still... I don't know if I can get used to it."

***

"Doesn't this house make you guys feel horny?" asked Jenna Lewis, looking around at the purple walls.

"Ginna is getting extremely aggravating," Tina told the cameras. "Ah' swear, everything that comes out of that girl's mouth is something about sex! She is so slutty!"

"So what's our name gonna be?" Ethan asked.

"The Fuck Team," Jon answered.

"How 'bout Team 69?" Jenna suggested.

"Team Blowjob."

Tina bit her lip.

"So whenever we got to namin' our team, Ginna and Jon immediately started talking about sex," Tina said in the diary room. "Like that's all they can think about. And the names kept gettin' sluttier and sluttier... I just couldn't listen to it."

Tina got up and walked out of the room.

"Ooooooo! Oooooooooo!" Jenna shrieked. "We can name it Team Slutty Vid. How do you like that?"

The room grew dead silent, except for the sound of Jenna making squealing noises.

"So no objections?" Jenna asked. "Team Slutty Vid it is!"

"You know, I don't want to be named Team Slutty Vid," Ethan told the cameras. "That's embarrassing. But the sooner you step in and disagree with something, the sooner you're gonna get voted off."

"Speaking of slutty videos, want to go film one?" Jon asked Jenna.

"You know it!" Jenna giggled. "I LOVE you, Jonny Fairplay!"

Jon jumped onto Jenna's back and she gave him a piggy-back ride upstairs. Helen, Heidi, and Ethan heard a door slam.

"Eeeeeeek!" they heard Jenna scream. "Ooo! Ooo!"

"I have no clue what's going on between Jenna and Jon," Heidi said in the diary room. "All I know is: I've definitely heard some strange noises coming from their room. Let's just leave it at that."

Team Believe

"Finally, I could find time to get away from everything that was going on in the house and have some quiet time to myself," Dirk said, over at Team Believe. He looked up at the cameras. "Basically, that includes meditating, chatting with the Big Dawg, reading some Psalms..."

Dirk flipped to the next page in his Bible as he lay sprawled across his bed.

"Lord, you are my shield. You are my wonderful God who gives me courage. I will pray to the Lord. And he will answer me from his Holy mountain..."

"This is how I get all my strength and energy," he told the cameras. "This is what's gonna help me do my best and win the challenges. If people at the other team, like probably Jenna Lewis, are reading the Bible and praying, and we're not... we're gonna lose at the challenges."

"I can lie down and go to sleep. And I will wake up again because the Lord protects me. Thousands of enemies may surround me. But I am not afraid."

"I think that's enough for today," Dirk closed his Bible and placed it into the drawer beside his bed. "Now I'm gonna go flirt with some of those hot chicks."

Dirk was about to get up, when he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in."

"Hey Dirk," Linda Spencer walked into the room. "I have to ask you something."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I was wondering if you'd like to join me in a prayer session. Back at home, I do this every day with my family, and I don't want to pray all alone."

"Yeah, sure thing," said Dirk. "God needs all the praise He can get."

"Well, I was going to pray to Mother Earth."

"Oh no, that ain't workin'," said Dirk. "I believe in only one God, who sent His only son, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, into this world to die for my sins."

"Oh, I hear ya'," said Linda. "I worship him, too. But he's not the only god. There's Mother Earth, there's Zeus, there's Hercules..."

"Linda is annoying," Dirk told the cameras. "She keeps talking about Zeus and Athena and all those folks... You know, I believe in the First Commandment: thou shalt have no other gods before me, and for her to say that... I just can't take it."

"People like that are called Heathens where I live," Dirk told Linda.

"That is so disrespectful to all the gods and goddesses around us," said Linda. "What makes you believe that your religion is the only right one?"

"I have faith in my Lord."

"What Dirk did to me today kind of upset me," Linda said in the diary room. "No matter what, I would NEVER have disrespected someone's beliefs in the way he did by saying someone was a Heathen or anything like that. I never would have done that. There's nooooooo way."

***

"I don't feel like doing any work today," Mia said, as she turned to catch some rays.

"Me neither," Darrah agreed.

The two were lying outside by the pool getting some sun.

"Ah've gotten tew be pretty good friends with Mia," Darrah told the cameras in her Southern drawl. "Ya' know, from watchin' her on her show, yew maght think that she be a bitch or somethin', but she ain't. She's really nahce."

"There really aren't any cute guys here," said Mia.

"There sure ain't," Darrah agreed. "Butch is a bit tew old, and Dirk..... he ain't that good-lookin'."

"You can say that again."

Mia turned over to see Dirk walking into the backyard with them.

"What is he doing here?" Mia whispered to Darrah. "Tell him to go away."

"Hola, chicas bonitas!" Dirk called to the two girls.

Mia squinted her eyes and jerked her head backwards.

"Dude, go AWAY!" she yelled. "Can't you see the two of us having a conversation?"

Dirk came over and sat between Darrah and Mia.

"You sure do look nice today," Dirk told them. "I'm sure you look nice every day, though..."

"Dirk kept hitting on Darrah and me," Mia said in the diary room. She rolled her eyes. "I know I'm not interested in him. And he certainly doesn't have a chance in hell with Darrah... So why is he even trying?"

"So do you have a boyfriend?" Dirk asked Darrah.

"Not raght now, no," Darrah answered.

"So what chance do you think I would have with you?" Dirk asked, winking at her.

"Nothin'. No offense."

"Playing hard to get?" Dirk asked. "That's aight."

"Dude: leave us ALONE!" Mia yelled, getting up. "You're seriously creeping us out."

"I'm not doing ya'll no harm..."

"That's bullshit, Diiiiiiirk!" Mia pointed her finger as she yelled. "Get the hell away from us!"

"Mia–" Dirk started to say.

"WHATEVER, Dirk!" Mia interrupted at the top of her voice. "I told you to go away the second you walked out here! Go hit on that mannish bitch Alicia or something... we don't want you here!"

"Chill out, girl," Dirk stood up. "I just wanted to–"

Mia grabbed Dirk by the shoulders and flung him into the pool.

"That hurt."

"Darrah's like a sweet Southern belle," Dirk said in the diary room, "and Mia has this rough edge to her. That's sexy to me. And then you throw in Heidi, JLew, and even that Tina... and there are some hot girls here. I don't believe in sex before marriage, it's God's gift... but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the view, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Come on, Darrah," said Mia. "Let's go inside and watch TV."

"'k."

"That's just like you two not to be doing any work."

Mia whipped her head around to see Alicia behind her. Alicia was standing next to Butch, and both of them were carrying a bundle of sticks, tree branches, and logs.

"What's your problem, Alicia?" Mia yelled.

"You two have been lying on your asses all day while everyone else has been helping out," Alicia answered, carrying wood while waving her finger at the same time. "That's my problem."

"Just 'cuz ah ain't workin' at the same tahme as ya'll two don't mean ah ain't gonna do nothin' all day," Darrah fought back.

"I haven't seen either of you do anything the entire time we've been here."

"Chill OUT, Alicia!" Mia snapped. "This isn't the same as last time; we're not stranded in the wilderness. I'll help out later with the dishes or something. It's important for me to have fun and get to know people first. Let's go inside, Darrah."

Darrah and Mia walked inside and Mia slammed the door shut.

"Someone's got a chip up her butt," Mia said to Darrah, her head shaking back and forth. "What were they doing, anyway?"

"Looks lahke they was gatherin' farwood."

***

Back outside, Butch motioned to Dirk. "Hey, can you hand me that tree limb that fell in the pool?"

"Sure thing, dawg."

"It's important for us to have as much firewood as possible," Butch said in the diary room. "Fire keeps us warm. We can all gather around the fireplace at night, keep each other's company, tell stories, roast marshmallows... I'm tryin' to get as much wood as possible."

"I think we've got enough to last the whole month!" Alicia laughed.

"I think we need a bit more," Butch disagreed. "I'll go ask Darrah for some help. You carry this firewood to my room and put it under my bed."

"No problem."

***

"Why dew they need all that farwood?" Darrah asked Mia, looking out the window.

"Who the hell knows?" Mia snorted, changing the channel with the remote.

They heard the door to the living room swing open.

"Hey, Darrah," Butch asked, walking into the living room. "Let's go get some firewood."

"No thanks," Darrah answered.

"But Darrah," Butch begged, "if you don't help, we won't have enough for tonight."

"Ah' WIYL git farwood whene'er ah WANNA git farwood!"

"Me and Mia were inside watchin' the TV," Darrah told the cameras, "and Butch came in actin' lahke ah had to go outside and help him gather some farwood. That kinda made me mad 'cuz no one cin tell me what ah' cin and cain't do."

"All right then," Butch shook his head. He walked out of the room.

"Fire is very important," Butch told the cameras. "We need as much firewood as we can get, but Darrah didn't want to help out."

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Mia asked. "We don't even need firewood, but he's trying to make you feel like you're not working because you don't want to get any."

"Ah dunno."

"Dude, I'm going to go call him out right now."

Mia got up from her seat and walked out of the room to look for Butch.

***

Butch was putting a pile of firewood under his bed, when he heard a knock at the door. "Come in."

The door flung open and Butch turned to see Mia running in with her face scrunched up and her hand in a fist.

"What can I help you with, missy?"

"Stop playing the martyr, BUTCH!" Mia yelled.

"Huh?"

"We don't even need firewood!" Mia screamed. "You're the ONLY ONE who cares about firewood. You get it your own damn self and quit trying to make us feel bad like we're not doing anything!"

"You guys haven't done anything...."

"What have you done, Butch?" Mia interrupted. "All I've seen you do is gather wood. There's no fucking point to that; all you're doing is hurting the trees."

"It's important to us that we have a fire going in the fireplace at night."

Mia's eyes rolled to the top of her head and she shook her head fiercely.

"It's important to YOU. And that's fine, but you get your own damn firewood. I'm going to help out and do things that are actually IMPORTANT, like washing dishes and vacuuming... You're wasting your time gathering firewood and then trying to act like you're the only one working and we're all just sitting on our asses."

"I just thought that if we had a fire at night, it could be something everyone could enjoy," Butch said calmly. "I guess I'm just a wood-crazy nut. I wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"That's bullshit!" she screamed. "It's your only card; you're playing the martyr. You'd better think of a new strategy, 'cuz it's gonna backfire!"

"Mia–"

"WHATEVER!" Mia screamed. She marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

"If what I did today gets me voted out, so be it," Mia said in the diary room. "Butch had just been absolutely horrendous to Darrah and I, and I felt like I had to kind of put him in his place."

"The only person I've had a problem with so far has been Mia," Butch said in a confessional. "She's a nice girl, but she's like a firecracker waiting to explode. She went off today and you better believe that I feared for my life."

Team Slutty Vid

"If you look at this team, there are two people who don't deserve to be here," Jenna Lewis told the cameras in her loud, obnoxious voice. "Tina and Ethan. Those guys both won a million dollars on their first go-round. I think it's pretty selfish for them to be in this house fighting for another million when so many others would have KILLED for that chance. Sorry guys, but you're DONE. We're not letting you win again."

"So what made you guys come back?" Jenna asked Tina and Ethan. The three were in the living room sitting around the coffee table.

"Ah thought it might be fun," Tina answered. "Whenever they asked me to do this, ah' immediately said yes. Ah' didn't want to not play and end up regrettin' it."

Jenna shook her head.

"It's so easy to say that when you ALREADY have a million dollars in your bank account," she told the two winners. "What would you do with the money if you won again?"

"Well, I just came for the competition," Ethan told her. "If I win, the money's all gonna go to the charity I started: Grassroot Soccer." Jenna rolled her eyes. "Basically, we do AIDS education through soccer in Africa... We teach professional soccer players about HIV and AIDS and they go into the schools to teach the youth."

"Yeah, ah'd do a lot to help out as well," Tina told Jenna.

"You have so much money that if you win, you're wasting it on charity," Jenna whined. "I need the money to help launch my porn career."

Ethan and Tina looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Sorry guys, but we don't want you on our playing field," Jenna told them. "We're voting you off first."

Jenna heard a cabinet slam shut in the kitchen.

"I think I heard something in the kitchen," she told Tina and Ethan. "I'll be back in a second."

Jenna hopped up and ran to the kitchen. Tina shook her head.

"Bless her heart, but good LORD she's a bitch!"

***

"What are you doing?" Jenna walked into the kitchen where she found Helen holding a box of flour.

"I was gonna cook dinner," Helen answered. "My world famous macaroni and cheese recipe. You need 5 cups of cooked macaroni, 3 tablespoons of flour, 5 tablespoons of butter, 2 eggs... Now you might want to add Tabasco Sauce, but I know not everybody would go for that..."

"Helen's just an absolutely obnoxious person," Jenna said in the diary room. "When she starts talking about recipes, I just wanna pick up a gun and BASH my skull in."

"½ tablespoon of salt, 3 cups of milk, 6 cups of cheese– you can use cheddar or mozzarella..."

"That's great, Helen."

"Oh, you know what might be fun?" Helen asked. "Raisins. I'm a HUGE raisin person. Anyway, you're gonna start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees..."

"She sits there and explains her recipes soooooo thoroughly," Jenna continued in the diary room, "and I'm just like: SHUT UP. It's OBNOXIOUS."

"You know what," Jenna interrupted Helen, "did you even ask me if you could cook?"

"Well, no..."

Jenna took the box of flour from Helen's hand and set it back in the cabinet.

"I was gonna cook dinner tonight," she told Helen. "You don't have to worry about it."

"Oh no, that's fine Jenna. I really don't have a problem with cooking. I promise that you'll like my mac and cheese recipe. It goes back down ten generations."

"Well maybe not everybody wants macaroni and cheese," Jenna said in a fake voice. "I'll cook something later tonight. Why don't you go relax and watch TV or something?"

"Jenna–"

"Trust me, Helen. Now I gotta get back to my conversation with Tina and Ethan."

Helen shook her head.

"EEEEEK!" Jenna squealed, as she ran out of the room.

"Jenna tries to control everything that goes on in the kitchen," Helen said in the diary room. "Jenna. Is. Annoying. If I had a gun, I'd shoot her first, shoot me second... that's why I don't carry a gun."

***

"The two of us need to look out for each other," Tina told Ethan. "With Ginna around, we might not have a chance."

"Well, maybe we can get her out."

"Ah made an alliance with Ethan," Tina told the cameras. "He's the closest thing to Colby there is here, except he doesn't have a mom fetish."

"Jon's obviously not gonna go for voting Jenna out," Ethan told Tina.

"Yeah, those two have been sluttin' it up the second they walked in the door!"

"But maybe you can talk to Helen and I'll talk to Heidi," Ethan continued, "and we can get them to vote for Jenna."

"Ah' know Helen will go for it. She's just as sick of Ginna as we are."

"Hey guys!" Jenna shrieked, running into the room. "Sorry for making you wait! I had something I had to take care of in the kitchen. Anyway, as we were saying: EEEEK! OOOOH! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! YAP, YAP, YAP...."

***

"Jenna basically said, you know, you and Tina are being voted out first," Ethan said in the diary room. "I'm not just gonna sit and listen to that. Who is Jenna to tell me how long I can stay? So I talked to Heidi..."

"You're pretty good," Ethan told Heidi, as she kicked a ball into the soccer goal set up in the backyard.

"People are always underestimating my athletic ability!" Heidi laughed. "It's one of my greatest assets."

"Okay, here's the thing," Ethan changed the subject. "Tina and I would like to get you and Helen in an alliance to vote out Jenna and Jon..."

"Well, what would you do if you were in my situation?" Heidi asked in a serious voice.

"Uh, I'd align with us." Ethan was a bit taken aback.

"Okay," Heidi laughed. "I guess I'm in then!"

"Perfect."

"But here's the thing, Ethan. I do not trust Helen. She's been throwing me dirty looks the entire time we've been here. She's jealous of me and it shows."

"Well, you saw how me, Tina, and Helen played the first time around. We stuck to our word. And then you saw Jenna and Jon..."

Jenna and Jon suddenly ran out of the house naked and zoomed past Ethan and Heidi.

"Let's film Part Two of our video tonight!" Jon screamed.

"Okay!" Jenna yelled. "EEEEEK! I can't WAIT! What should we call it? 'Sins of SurviviBrother'? 'Swimming Under The Sheets'?"

Jenna wrapped a towel around herself and walked over to Heidi and Ethan.

"We were streaking," she laughed. "So what were you guys doing? EEEEK! Don't tell me! Kicking soccer balls? Let me try! Oooo! Ooo! Ooo! Let's see if I can make a goal!"

Jenna kicked the ball as hard as she could. It flew backwards, hit her in the face, and knocked her out.

"Oh my God!" Jenna screamed. "I thought I was good at handling balls!"

Ethan shook his head.

"Heidi agreed to join the alliance today," Ethan told the cameras, "so I'm *hoping* that we can get Jenna Lewis out. She came outside and tried to kick a soccer ball, and she pretty much sucked. She hit herself in the face. So hopefully she'll, you know, suck at challenges and we'll be able to get her out."

***

"I wasn't cooking!" Helen screamed when she heard someone walking into the kitchen. She scurried to hide all the pots and pans. But then she saw that it was Tina coming up to her. "Oh, thank God. I thought you were Jenna."

"Hey, girly girl!" Tina greeted. "Ah' needed to talk to you about something!"

"Oh no," Helen said in a paranoid voice. "Don't tell me: you're going to vote me off."

"No, of course not!" Tina said with a big smile. "Ah' wanted to see if you would be interested in votin' Ginna off."

"THANK. GOD." Helen replied. "I would love to vote Jenna off. She's horrible! She won't let me cook!"

"She wants me and Ethan off just because we won already," Tina told Helen.

"Quite frankly, I agree with Jenna," Helen told the cameras. "Tina and Ethan have already won a million dollars. That would be reason enough to vote them off, because THEY. DO. NOT. NEED. THE. MONEY. But what other choice do I have? I'm certainly not going to align myself with Jenna. Jon's from a completely 'nother planet. And Heidi's just fake. So it makes sense to team up with Tina and Ethan."

"I'm in," Helen told Tina. "But one thing: I do not trust Heidi. I do not trust her."

"Well, why not?" Tina asked.

"Heidi has FAKE. BOOBS."

"Hey, ah' take offense to that!" Tina laughed.

"Oh, that's not all," Helen went on. "She has fake hair color, fake hair length, fake eye color, a fake personality..."

"Hey, girls," Heidi walked into the room. "Just thought I'd grab a snack while Jenna isn't around to monitor food."

"Oh, hi Heidi," Helen greeted. "Anyway, Tina, she has a fake ass, fake shoulders..."

Heidi rolled her eyes.

"I walked into the kitchen and overheard Helen listing fake things about me," Heidi said in the diary room. "It's like she's not even trying to hide the fact that she's jealous of my hot, tight, cute, sexy body."

"Fake teeth, fake skin color..."

"I'm in this alliance with Helen," Heidi continued in the diary room, "and we were gonna vote Jenna Lewis out. That would be great because she wants all the winners out and my double is a winner. But at the same time, Helen, being one of the uglier, fatter women, might have a bone to pick with all the cute little girls. And she very well might try to get Jenna M and myself out. Either way, I want to set it up so that when my twin comes in, we have as many options as possible."

"What are you guys doing?" Jenna Lewis walked into the kitchen. "Oh my GOD, Helen! I told you not to cook! And Heidi, are you eating some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I told you that you've already eaten ENOUGH of those today! Put them back right now! EEEEEEEEEEEK! SHRIEK!"

Day 2

Team Believe

"Hey Darrah, want to lay outside by the pool again?" Mia asked her friend on the second day of SurviviBrother.

"'k," Darrah answered, "but first, there's this autopsy ah' wanted tew watch on the TV."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you in a bit, then."

Mia walked out to the backyard and Darrah made her way to the living room.

"Looks lak someone left the TV on," she said, as she walked into the room.

"Do cardiovascular training three to four times a week," said a woman on the TV. "Running, cycling, cardio kickboxing... and soon you'll have those six pack abs you've been dying for..."

Darrah looked around for the remote control and finally found it lying on the floor. She picked it up and changed the channel. Just then...

"What do you think you're doing?" yelled a loud voice.

Darrah turned around to see Alicia standing over her.

"I was watching that!" Alicia bitched at Darrah, taking the remote control from her.

"Sorry Alicia, ah didn't know. No one was in the room."

"You could have ASKED, sweetheart!" Alicia yelled. "I just left to use the bathroom and came right back to see you trying to steal the TV!"

"Ah wiyl ask next tahme," Darrah told her. "Ah didn't know. What were you watchin', anyway?"

"One of my exercise programs!" Alicia laughed. "I need to stay in shape!"

"Aren't you already tew muscular?" Darrah mumbled.

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked, her finger swinging. "S'cuse me?"

"Nothin'."

"Alicia kept waggin' her finger in mah' face," Darrah said in the diary room. "Ah wanted to bite that finger raaaaght off."

"There's no such thing as being TOO muscular!" Alicia yelled. "Now go away and stay out of my face!"

"Ah think ah wiyl," Darrah told her. She walked out of the room and slammed the door. She made her way outside where she found Mia.

"I could hear Alicia all the way from here," Mia said, shaking her head. "Was she wagging her finger in your face?"

"Yup."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"This has got to stop. She can't just treat us all like this."

"Alicia's very annoying, she's very condescending," Mia told the cameras. "She bitches about everything. So we had a little confrontation today."

"So what were you bitching to Darrah about?" Mia asked, as she walked into the living room.

"Excuse me?" Alicia asked. "No one was bitching about anything. We had a little disagreement and worked it out civilly. And I don't think it concerns you at all."

"Yes it does, Aliiiiiiicia!" Mia yelled. "D said that you wagged your finger in her face! You've been doing that to all of us the second this game started and it needs to stop."

"If you don't want me to wag my finger in your face, then just stay away from me, hun," Alicia laughed. "As long as you keep bothering me, you'll be seeing the finger. And I have a different Finger for you next time, babe."

Alicia stuck out her middle finger.

"I swear I'm gonna rip that damn finger off," Mia said, lunging at Alicia. She started pulling and twisting Alicia's middle finger. Alicia laughed.

"I'm one of the most physically fit and capable people to ever be on this show," Alicia told the cameras. "And Mia started attacking me. I was like....what? I just had to laugh. Mia is scrawny; she probably weighs like 80 pounds. And I'd have no problem whooping her ass."

Alicia shoved Mia off of her.

"Stop wagging your finger in our faces, Alicia!" Mia screamed, before storming out of the room.

"I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!" Alicia yelled back. She shook her head and went back to exercising and watching TV.

"Mia had better hope that we win today's challenge," Alicia said in the diary room. "Voting her out just makes the most sense right now. I just have personal issues with her, and I think everyone is getting tired of dealing with her."

Team Slutty Vid

"Eeek! We've got mail!" Jenna squealed, as Jon opened the team's mailbox and pulled out a white envelope. Jon tore it open and read the note aloud to Jenna.

"You're tied up, you're helpless, you don't know what to do..."

"Ooo! Bondage!" Jenna shrieked.

"...Relying solely on your teammates to rescue you. The first team to make it will have three more days in the game. For the losers, one person will take the walk of shame."

"Sounds fun!" Jenna laughed.

"We got some mail today telling us about our first challenge," Jon said in the diary room. "We're just gonna roll over the other team. Have you taken a look at them? Their strongest guy is Alicia."

"I'm SO ready for this challenge!" Jenna yelled in a hyper voice. She squealed and started bouncing back to the house.

***

"Welcome to your first immunity challenge," Jeff greeted, with a large grin on his face. The two teams met outside at Team Believe's pool for the first challenge of the game. "Before we get started, I wanna ask you guys: what are your team names?"

"Team Believe," Butch spoke up.

"Team Slutty Vid!" Jenna laughed in a high-pitched voice.

"Interesting names," Jeff shook his head. "Now let's get to our first challenge. Here's what you guys are playing for."

Jeff unveiled a blue and green immunity idol.

"This guarantees your team three more days in the game," Jeff told them. "The losing team will compete in another challenge to see who will be the Head of Household. The Head of Household will nominate two people, and one of those two will become the first person voted out of this game."

Mia nodded.

"Okay," said Jeff. "I'll explain the rules of this challenge. There are two chairs at the bottom of the pool. One person from each team will be tied to a chair. The rest of the team will dive down, untie their team member, and bring them onto land. The first team to do this wins immunity. Who's going to be tied up?"

"Me!" Jenna shrieked. "This could be exciiiiiiiiiting. Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

"I'll do it," Dirk volunteered for Team Believe.

"Survivors ready?" Jeff asked, after Jenna and Dirk were underwater and had been tied up. "GO!"

"Jenna finally won't be able to talk," Ethan joked.

"Yes, I CAN!" Jenna shrieked from underwater. "Hurry up and save me, guys! EEEEK! SHRIEK!"

The two teams jumped into the pool and swam down to rescue Jenna and Dirk.

"FINALLY!" Jenna screamed when she saw her team swimming up to her. "Hurry up and untie me!"

Ethan started untying Jenna.

"Hurry UP, Ethan!" Jenna yelled, as she saw Team Believe begin to untie Dirk.

After halfway untying Jenna, Ethan came up for breath.

"You're causing us to lose!" Jenna shrieked.

Jon came over and finished untying her.

"EEEK! SHRIEK! We're catching up!" Jenna squealed. "Jonny Fairplay, did you just grab my ass?"

Jon finished untying her, and the entire team grabbed her and started to swim up from underwater.

"Good Lord, even underwater she's frickin' heavy," Helen thought.

"I DO have a big ass!" Jenna shrieked, reading Helen's thoughts.

"EEEEEK! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Ooooo!" Jenna yelled, as her team dragged her towards the start of the pool.

"First team to make it wins immunity!" Jeff called out.

Just then, Team Believe came up from underwater carrying Dirk.

"Come on guys, we can do this!" Linda shouted.

"Hold on, we're gonna have to take a break," said Alicia, as she coughed up water.

"HURRY UP, Alicia!" Mia screamed.

But it was too late.

"YEEEEEEEEEEK! HA HA HA!" Jenna squealed, as her team made it to the steps at the beginning of the pool and climbed out.

"Team Slutty Vid wins immunity!" Jeff announced.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!" Jenna shrieked.

"Nicely done," Jeff handed Jenna the immunity idol. "You guys are safe from tomorrow night's vote."

Team Believe came out of the pool.

"Unfortunately for you guys, I can't say the same thing," Jeff told them. "One of you will be the first person voted out of SurviviBrother."

"You heard that!" Jenna yelled at the other team. "SUCK IT, you guys!"

Mia rolled her eyes and jerked her head from side to side.

"You'll be coming back here in a few hours for your Head of Household competition," Jeff addressed Team Believe. "Good luck. You guys can head back home."

Both teams turned around and slowly made their way back to their respective houses. While the members of Team Slutty Vid were dancing and celebrating, Team Believe had their heads down and their shoulders slumped, their minds going in all kinds of directions. Who would win the first HOH competition? And who would be the first person voted out?

Team Slutty Vid

"We kicked their asses," Jon said to his team as they walked back into their house.

"Yeah we did," Jenna said in a hyper voice. "I bet that was Dirk's first bondage experience...he's a virgin. Did you like how I told the other team to suck it? I bet they didn't like that too much. Eeek! Yap, yap, yap. Blah, blah, blah... This immunity idol sure would make a great sex toy."

"You know, ah almost wish we hadn't won," Tina said in the diary room, "because ah wanna get rid a' Ginna. No matter where you go in the house, you cain't escape her mouth! She is so irritatin'."

Team Believe

"Did you hear Jenna?" Mia asked, as her team sat around the living room. "That bitch told us to suck it."

"You could hear her mouth running the whole challenge," Alicia added. "I wanted to wave my finger in her face."

"Finally something we agree on." Mia sighed.

"So we lost the first challenge today," Mia said in the diary room, "and basically, I felt like the other team did their best to rub it in our faces. So now we have an HOH competition coming up, and unless I win, I could see myself being the first person sent home."

"I'd better work out before the next challenge!" Alicia laughed.

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Butch, will you hold my feet for me?" Alicia asked. "I'm gonna do some sit-ups."

"You're gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the challenge," Butch told her.

"That's right!" Alicia laughed.

"She's way too full of herself," Mia continued in the diary room. "If Alicia's so buff and so strong, then why did we lose at the challenge today?"

"Check it out!" Alicia laughed as she flexed her right bicep in front of the mirror.

"Alicia, you know, she's always workin' out and stuff, she spends a lot of tahme in front of the mirror," Darrah told the cameras. "She's really proud of her body... She looka' lak a maaaaaaaaan tew me."

"Yeah, baby!" Alicia laughed, as she continued to flex her muscles.

Mia glanced over at Darrah and shook her head.

"We're not getting along," Linda whispered to the cameras. "That's why we lost the challenge today: our immunity idol goddess will not live in a home of conflict. And it looks like it's only going to get worse. One of us will win the power to nominate two people, and that's going to create some animosity. As long as we continue fighting, there's no way we can expect to win anything."

***

The six members of Team Believe walked out into their backyard where they saw three bundles of firewood scattered around.

"Good evening, houseguests," Julie Chen said with a creepy smile. "It's time for your *first* Head of Household competition."

Darrah took a deep breath.

"As you know," Julie continued, "the winner receives the power to nominate *two* houseguests for eviction. At Tribal Council, one of these two contestants will be voted out of the game. The two nominees will not vote. Neither will the Head of Household."

Alicia nodded.

"But there's one more surprise," Julie went on. "At each Head of Household competition, we will have a *special* guest host, each of them being a former Survivor contestant. Our first guest is someone who dominated the challenges in her season. In fact, she won so many back to back challenges that her tribemates nicknamed her 'The Challenge Goddess'."

[*Flashback* Jeff Probst (commentating on a reward challenge): AMI in the water! ELIZA's gaining on Ami whose having trouble getting back on the course.... ELIZA passes AMI! [a shot of Scout crawling across the balance beam] SCOUT, the woman who wouldn't quit, making her way back.

...It's between Eliza and Ami! AMI back in the water, takes a hard fall! It is Eliza's challenge to win if she can finish! (Eliza gasps for air)

(Scout appears out of nowhere, knocks out Eliza, and finishes the course)

...SCOUT comes from behind; wins a brand new Pontiac G6!

Scout: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *End Flashback*]

The houseguests turned around to see Scout Cloud Lee walking out from behind a tree.

"Oh, God," Mia rolled her eyes.

"What challenge do you have in store for us today?" Julie asked Scout.

"All right," Scout smiled at the six members of Team Believe. "Hello, little ones. This challenge will be quite excruciating. In the first part, there are three bundles of firewood lying in the yard. The six of you will race out and try to pick up one bundle and bring it to me. There are six of you and only three bundles, so three of you will be left out. The three that complete this task will move on to the second portion of this challenge, which I will reveal later."

"Everyone understand?" Scout asked.

The houseguests remained silent as a tumbleweed rolled by.

"I'll take that as a yes," Scout grinned. "Survivors ready? GO!"

The houseguests ran off in different directions. Linda was the first to make it to a bundle of firewood.

"Thank Zeus," she whispered, as she picked it up. "Oh my Hercules, this is heavy."

Just as she turned around and started making her way back to Scout, someone zoomed by and snatched the firewood from her. She whipped her head around to see Butch running away with the bundle.

"Come back here!" she shouted. But Butch was already way ahead of her. He ran up to Scout and gasped for breath as he dropped the firewood at her feet.

"Butch is moving on to Round 2!" Scout announced. "There's still two spots left!"

Dirk came to a bundle of firewood at the far end of the yard. He picked it up and darted off to bring it to Scout.

"Wait! Dirk!" Mia screamed. Dirk stopped running.

"Can I have that?" she batted her eyelashes as she walked up to Dirk. "I really wanna win this one. I need this really bad; you're not in any danger of going. I'll give you a kiss if you let me have it."

"Aww," Dirk blushed, handing Mia the firewood. He puckered and leaned in towards Mia.

"Yeah right," Mia rolled her eyes. She shoved Dirk away and ran towards Scout.

"Hey, that's not fair, girl," Dirk shook his head.

"Dirk might be a good catch, Mia!" Scout laughed. "He might be the only guy who could put up with you!"

"Shut up, bitch," Mia stopped running. "You're a lesbian, anyway. What do you know about what men are looking for?"

"I wouldn't date ya'!" Scout chuckled.

Mia rolled her eyes again for like the eightieth time since this game started. Just then, she felt someone snatch her bundle of firewood from her. It was Alicia.

"What the hell, Alicia?" Mia screamed. "Get your own–" But then Mia was on the ground. Alicia had knocked her unconscious by whacking her in the head with the firewood.

Alicia smirked.

"That's what you get."

"Great job, Alicia," Scout smiled as the personal trainer handed her the bundle of firewood. "We're looking for one more person!"

"Are you alraght?" Darrah, carrying the last bundle of firewood, crouched down next to Mia to ask if she was okay.

"I'm fine," Mia was just waking up. "Dude, just beat that bitch. We can't let Alicia win Head of Household."

Darrah looked behind her to see Linda and Dirk running towards her to steal the last bundle of firewood.

"Dude, you've gotta win this challenge," Mia whispered. "I'll keep those two off of you."

With Dirk and Linda on her tail, Darrah got up and ran as fast as she could towards Scout.

"You're not winning this!" Mia shouted, pushing Dirk as hard as she could. He fell backwards and hit Linda, knocking them both to the ground. Just as the two were about to get back up, Mia lunged at them and started clawing at their faces.

"Everyone back away!" Scout mocked Mia. "Her volcano is erupting!"

Just as Dirk and Linda freed themselves from Mia, Darrah walked up to Scout and handed her the last bundle of firewood.

"WHOOO!" Scout cheered. "Great job."

Mia smirked.

"Butch, Alicia, and Darrah, you've moved on to our final portion of the challenge," Scout grinned. "It will be a rather harrowing and intense endurance challenge, but c'mon, I lasted six hours when we were testing this, so ya'll should at least be able to stay up there for three or four."

Alicia nodded.

"In the center of the pool is a narrow balance beam," Scout explained. "The three of you will each stand on it while holding your bundle of firewood. In addition to this, you will be required to stand on one foot. The last one left standing is this game's first Head of Household."

"Piece of cake," Alicia smirked.

Scout handed each of the competitors their bundle of firewood, and they swam out to the balance beam.

"Good luck, all ya'll," Scout wished, after they had taken their places. Mia, Dirk, and Linda gathered around to watch.

"You did this for six hours?" Butch asked Scout, his knees shaking.

"You better believe it!" Scout laughed. "Why? You cain't handle it?"

"Just believe in yourself, Butch," Mia called out. "Anyone but Alicia."

Alicia shook her head. Just then, Butch lost his balance and fell face forward into the water. His bundle of firewood flew into the air and landed on top of him.

"Thirty seconds in and Butch is out!" Scout narrated. "That is pathetic. C'mon, ya'll!"

"Why does this farwood have to be so heavy?" Darrah almost lost her balance, but quickly regained it.

"This is no problem for me," Alicia said, confidently. "You might as well jump off now!"

"Ah dunno about that."

"Hang in there, D!" Mia yelled. "Alicia's just trying to psyche you out."

Two minutes passed and both women were still hanging in there and giving it their all.

"You can do this, Darrah!" Mia yelled.

"Come on, Darrah."

"Kick Alicia's ass."

"Let's do this, Darrah."

"Go Darrah! Beat Alicia!"

"You know what, Mia," Alicia was getting annoyed, "be veeeeeeeery careful, sweetheart. I could win this challenge and your ass would be out the door just like that. So just watch your mouth, babe."

"This is your challenge, D," Mia continued. "Don't give up, Darrah."

"Ah'm gittin' nuuuuuuuuuumb," Darrah was struggling.

Just then, Alicia slipped and lost her footing. She fell backwards into the pool.

"Congratulations, Darrah," Julie Chen announced, "you are the *first* Head of Household."

Relieved, Darrah dropped her bundle of firewood and jumped into the water.

"Great job, little one," Scout congratulated Darrah once she was out of the pool. She placed a necklace with a key on it around Darrah's neck.

"This is the key to the HOH bedroom," Julie told Darrah. "The nicest room in the house. But along with the privileges of being Head of Household, there are many responsibilities. Tonight, you will nominate two of your fellow houseguests for eviction."

Darrah gave a big smile.

"Great job, D," Mia gave her friend a hug. "I knew you could beat that bitch."

"You still have to live with me," Alicia warned Mia.

"Only for one more day!" Mia laughed.

"I wouldn't be so cocky."

"This challenge is over," Julie told the members of Team Believe. "Congratulations to Darrah. She will make her nominations tonight, and tomorrow one of those nominees will be voted *out* of the game when Jeff comes to your house to hold Tribal Council. Good luck."

With that, the six houseguests waved goodbye to Julie and Scout and made their way back inside the house.

"What do you think will happen?" Julie asked the Challenge Goddess.

"Well, I'd get rid of Mia!" Scout answered. "Whooooo, that girl's got a short fuse. But the girls seem to be in a little tiff with Alicia, so maybe she'll be sent packin'."

"I guess we'll just have to find out," said Julie, facing the camera. "Stay tuned."

"One thing's for sure," Scout interrupted. "Whoever gets voted out deserves it. Their performance at today's challenge was pitiful. Especially with the balance beam; they only lasted, what, two or three minutes? I was embarrassed for them!"

Team Believe

"Ah have been gittin' along with Mia," Darrah said in a diary room interview, "but besahdes that, this whole house...ah dunno....it's just a bunch of bull$&^%." Darrah laughed before continuing. "Dirk's always hittin' on me n' Mia..."

Dirk walked up to Mia and Darrah who were doing laundry.

"You did good at that challenge, girl," Dirk told Darrah. "That key looks good around your neck."

"Thanks."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"I like your last name," Dirk told Mia. "Galeoooooootalanza. What is it: Portuguese? Spanish?"

"I'm Italian."

Darrah continued her confessional in the diary room, "Linda's always off prayin' to some foreign god or another..."

"The firewood gods helped you win the challenge today," Linda said to Darrah.

"Ah know it."

"Wish they had been on my side!" Linda laughed.

"Every time you turn around, Butch is walkin' in the door with another bundle of farwood," Darrah said, back in the diary room, "and now it's clutterin' up the house. Ah didn't even know we had that much farwood in our backyard."

"More farwood?" Darrah asked, as Butch walked into the living room carrying a bundle of logs and tree branches.

"Let me tell ya'," said Butch, "this is some good stuff; it's the finest and driest firewood that you could find. We're gonna be nice and warm tonight."

He set the wood down on the couch before going outside to search for more.

"It don't make any sense, really," Darrah went on in the diary room, "we've got farwood everywhere: in the kitchen, in the livin' room, even the bathroom. It's gittin' out of hand.... Anyway, so that's Dirk, Linda, n' Butch, which leaves us with Alicia. Alicia.... she's always yellin' about somethin' or another; ah've neeee'er seen 'er in a good mood."

"Hey, Mia!" Alicia yelled later that evening. Mia was sitting at the kitchen table with Darrah.

Mia shook her head.

"What now, Alicia?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that last challenge."

"What about it?"

"Well, I had a problem with your attitude," Alicia said to Mia.

"My attitude?" Mia snorted. "What was wrong with it?"

"The whole time you were like, 'Anyone but Alicia!', 'Go Darrah! Beat Alicia!', 'Alicia can't win!' and I just thought that was rude!"

"Would you rather me be fake?" Mia asked, standing up from her seat. "I'm not gonna act all kissy and lovey dovey... I wanted you to go down hard at that challenge because you've been bitching at everybody this whole time."

"I've been bitching?" Alicia wagged her finger. "You need to look in the mirror, sweetheart."

"Why don't you go look in the mirror?" Mia yelled. "Flex your muscles in front of it like you always do." She rolled her eyes.

"You know what," Alicia told her, "maybe you could have some muscles if you weren't so lazy. I just have one last thing to say..."

"Good," Mia interrupted.

"Whether I'm voted off next or not," Alicia continued, "you'd better tone down your attitude or you won't go far in this game. I'm not the only one who's sick of you."

"That's bull–" Mia started to say, but then Alicia walked out of the room.

"Bitch," Mia muttered. "She just wants to have the last word."

"So a lot of people in this house have been gittin' on mah' nerves," Darrah said in the diary room. "So it'll be great to lock mah'self in the HOH bedroom and think about who ah'm gonna nominate. Ah've got a LOT to think about."

***

"Thanks for letting me come in here, D," Mia sprawled across the king size bed in the HOH bedroom.

"It's a lot to think about," Darrah told Mia. "It's gonna be a hard decision."

"What? The nominations?"

"Yeah."

"Dude, just get Alicia out," Mia laughed. "I can't stand that bitch anymore."

"Yeah, ah'm leanin' towards her."

"You know I'm on your side no matter what," Mia told Darrah, "but I'd love to see her out of here. I think everybody would."

"Who should ah' nominate with her?"

"What does it matter?" Mia laughed. "As long as Alicia is the one sent outta here."

"Ah' only have lahke an hour left to think about it."

***

The game was finally on. It was time for Darrah to make her nominations. In the hallway next to the HOH bedroom was a wall with pictures of the six members of Team Believe. Dangling from each picture was a key with that houseguest's name on it. Darrah slowly took each key down from the wall.

"There are three people ah might nominate tonaght," Darrah told the cameras. "Dirk. He's a nice guy n' stuff, but his flirtin' is kinda gittin' on mah' nerves. Butch. Ah do lahke him, but we cain't have all this farwood layin' around the house. And Alicia. Ah haven't gotten along with her at all so far."

Darrah put her own key around her neck and then made her way to the HOH bedroom. Under her king sized bed was a blue, circular box with six keyholes on top. She pulled it out and set it on her nightstand.

"Ah pulled out the nomination box and made mah' decision," Darrah said in the diary room. "The three keys ah put in the box are the people who are safe. The two ah leave out are nominated. It was a lot harder than ah thought it would be. Ah don't wanna send anyone home."

After placing the third and final key into the box, Darrah took the two keys of the people she was nominating and put them away in a bag. She breathed a nervous sigh.

"This is nerve wrackin'," she told the cameras.

***

Darrah's five fellow houseguests were on lockdown outside while she made her nominations.

"Everyone's feeling nervous," Mia whispered to the cameras. "I've told D to nominate Alicia, but in the end, it's her decision. I'm sure she'll make whatever decision is best for her."

"I'm not feelin' too comfortable right now," Butch told the cameras. "I think Darrah might see me as being a little bit bossy. And that wasn't my intention– I just needed a little bit of help getting more firewood."

Alicia paced back and forth across the area in front of the pool.

"I would have to be extremely naive if I thought that Darrah wasn't going to nominate me," she confessed, "because I know she's been tight with Mia since this game started. But who knows? Something at the last minute could change her mind. Any one of us is vulnerable at this point."

"I'm ready, ya'll," Darrah poked her head out the door. The houseguests sighed nervously before following Darrah to the dining room table.

"Okay," Darrah set the nomination box on the table as everyone sat down. "As ya'll know, one of mah' duties as Head of Household is to nominate two of ya'll for eviction. The three keys that git pulled out tonaght are the people that are safe; the other two are nominated."

Dirk gulped.

"Ah'll pull out the first key, and that person will pull out the next key and so on," Darrah explained, pulling the first key out of the box.

"Linda, you are safe," she revealed, handing the key to Linda.

"Thank yooooooooooooou!" Relieved, Linda put her key around her neck. Darrah passed her the nomination box.

"Mia," said Linda, pulling the key out of the second slot, "you are safe."

"Thanks, D," Mia put her key around her neck.

"I'll pull out the last key," she said, after Linda had passed her the nomination box.

Dirk bit his lip as Mia pulled out the final key.

"Dirk," Mia revealed, "you are safe."

She handed him his key and he placed it around his neck.

"Okay, so obviously, ah've nominated Alicia n' Butch," Darrah announced.

Butch slowly blew air out of his mouth. Alicia just sat there stoicly, a slight smirk on her face. She knew this was coming.

"Butch, ah nominated you because you're always tellin' me to gather farwood and you seem to get a little mad when ah tell you ah' don't wanna do it. Ah just don't think we need all that farwood."

Butch nodded.

"Alicia, you sure got a mouth on you," Darrah went on. "You haven't been gittin' along with anyone in the house, so ah have to nominate you as well."

"Well, how 'bout that," Alicia was a little offended.

"That's it," said Darrah. "This meetin' is adjourned. Now ah'm goin' to bed, ya'll."

"I knew this was comin'," Butch said in the diary room. "A few people have been having problems with Alicia, but if they're that mad about the firewood thing, they might say, 'let's get rid of Butch."

"Darrah said she was nominating me because I hadn't been getting along with anyone," Alicia spouted off to the cameras. "Then why didn't she nominate Mia? I've been a LOT less confrontational than Mia has been, so Darrah needs to save it."

"Good luck," Butch wished Alicia.

But Alicia didn't hear him. She stared straight ahead with an angry look on her face. She didn't want to be the first person voted out, and especially didn't want to be voted out by Mia and Darrah. Maybe the tide would turn; maybe she would find a way to stay in the game. But for now things were looking hopeless.

Day 3

"You know, I couldn't stop thinking about what Darrah said last night," Alicia said in the diary room. "I felt like she was extremely disrespectful– and she didn't need to be. I don't feel like I've disrespected ANYONE in this house, and she just didn't have to say that."

"How condescending was she last night?" Alicia asked Butch. The two nominees had gotten up early and were sitting at the breakfast table.

Butch just sat and listened.

"Darrah said I had a mouth on me," Alicia went on. "Hey, you know what, at least you can understand me."

"MmHmm," Butch nodded.

"And what was that about not getting along with anyone?" Alicia asked. "I've gotten along just fine with you, haven't I? The only people I've had any problem with have been Darrah and Mia– and that's because they started jumping down my throat before I even got to know them."

"Yeah," Butch muttered, as Alicia went on talking.

"Darrah thinks I'M not getting along with anyone, but look at her little buddy Mia. You'd think if she wanted to keep peace in the house, she'd kick off Mia, wouldn't you? Mia has Darrah in her back pocket. It's just–"

"I'll be right back, I gotta go to the bathroom," Butch got up from the table and left the room.

"Alicia is upset about bein' nominated by Darrah last night," Butch said in the diary room. "When she's upset it's a little hard to be around her. She just grumps around the house, and everybody has to hear her complain."

Alicia got up from the table and sulked her way to the living room without putting away her dishes. She threw herself onto the couch and glared up at the ceiling.

"Honey, are you okay?" Linda walked into the room.

"I'm just fabulous," Alicia answered.

"You look upset, sweetie," Linda disagreed. "What's wrong?"

Alicia just sat there scowling at Linda.

"I said I was okay," she muttered. "Can you please leave me alone?"

"I have kids, Alicia: I know these things. I can tell you're not okay. Come give me a hug."

When Alicia just shook her head and continued scowling, Linda walked over and stretched out her arms for a hug.

"Don't." Alicia mumbled. "Don't."

Alicia picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it at Linda before marching out of the room.

"Here I am trying to get some quiet time and Linda comes in wanting to hug me and find out what's wrong," Alicia told the cameras. "I don't want anybody touching me, I don't want anybody trying to comfort me, so I just told Linda to shove off. When I'm pissed off, I want to be left alone."

***

"You know, I think I can bring a lot to this team," Alicia said to Dirk later that day. "I'm certainly a lot stronger than Butch."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm thinkin' about votin' for Butch tonight," Dirk said in the diary room. "The other team has Ethan and Heidi and a lot of strong, athletic people. It could be a mistake to get rid of Alicia this early."

Mia walked past the room and paused when she saw Dirk talking to Alicia.

"Hmm," she muttered to herself. "That's interesting."

"Right now I'm leanin' towards voting for you to stay," Dirk told Alicia, "but I still need to think about it a little bit, ya' know."

"Thanks, babe." Alicia smiled and walked away.

"So what were you talking to Alicia about?" Mia walked up to Dirk after Alicia had left.

"We were talking about keepin' her around," Dirk answered. "We might be able to use her muscle in some of these challenges, ya' know?"

"And are you really gonna do that?"

"Well, she might be stronger than Butch, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"No, I don't know what you're saying," Mia shook her head. "How is Alicia so great in the challenges? Those nasty muscles of hers are just for show."

"It's a hard decision."

"How is it even a decision?" Mia snorted. "Just get rid of Alicia."

Dirk just shrugged.

"I was surprised to hear Dirk say that he's thinking about keeping Alicia," Mia said in the diary room. "I hope to God he doesn't find her attractive. So Dirk might ruin it for all of us tonight. And I haven't gotten to know Linda well enough to know what she's thinking. But I'm still pretty confident that the vote's gonna be Alicia and we'll be seeing her walk out the front door tonight."

***

That night, the houseguests sat in nervous silence around the living room couch waiting for Jeff Probst to arrive.

"Sorry I'm late, guys," Jeff suddenly burst through the front door. "Welcome to your first Tribal Council." He took his seat in an armchair across from the six contestants.

"Hey, Jeff," Mia greeted.

"Big night," Jeff commented. "The first person will be voted out of this game, and it's gonna be Butch or it's gonna be Alicia. But before we get to the vote, let's get down to some questions."

Alicia nodded.

"Looking around here, I see a loootta firewood," Jeff observed. "It's coming out of the windows, it's all over the floor... What's going on here?"

"I've been collectin' that," Butch answered. "It's a lotta work, but I feel like it's very important. If it gets cold at night, we can make a big fire in the fireplace."

"Isn't that what heating systems are for?" Jeff asked.

"Well, it's more than just that," Butch explained. "It's a way for us to bond; we can all sit around the fireplace at night, roast marshmallows, and tell stories. And that'll help us come together for the challenges."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Mia," Jeff asked, "do you agree? Is Butch's firewood gathering necessary? Is it appreciated by you guys?"

Mia shook her head and looked over at Butch.

"I don't get your obsession with gathering all this firewood. I know, for me, I can't walk two steps without tripping over five or six logs. I think it's completely ridiculous."

Butch shrugged.

"I don't really have a problem with it," Dirk offered his opinion. "I mean, there's nothin' else to do around here. Why not gather firewood?"

Mia held back a laugh.

"Okay," Jeff moved on to another topic, "only one of two people can go tonight. Darrah, why might Alicia be voted out?"

"Ummm, ah think Alicia has been causin' a few problems," Darrah told Jeff. "Her and Mia have been faghtin' a lot."

"Can I just say something?" Alicia interrupted. "It's not just me who's been having problems with Mia. I can think of several occasions where she's been confrontational with Butch and Dirk." Mia's eyes rolled inside her head as Alicia spoke. "I just try to be civil to her, but she's like a fly constantly buzzing in your ear. She's always picking fights with people." Mia's head rolled around in circles. "Take, for instance, Day One. We weren't even ten minutes into the game, and she was attacking me about an idea I came up with for our team name." Mia shook her head fiercely.

"Mia," Jeff noticed, "I see you shaking your head, rolling your eyes all over the place. It's like you're having a seizure."

Mia laughed.

"First of all," she fought back, "I have great relationships with everyone here– except for Alicia."

Alicia raised her eyebrows.

"The one instance Alicia brought up was when I told her that I didn't like the name she came up with, and I think that's complete bullshit. Your name sucked, what was I supposed to say? You–"

"It doesn't matter what you thought about the name," Alicia interrupted.

"Alicia, let Mia finish..." Jeff interfered. Alicia smirked and shook her head.

"I can think of numerous times when Darrah and I were just minding our own business," Mia went on, "and Alicia comes up to us yelling about our lack of 'work ethic.' And she's always swingin' her finger in our faces... She just treats us with absolutely no respect."

"I'd just like to say something," Linda butted in. "You two are a looooooooooot alike, and that's why you haven't been getting along."

"S'cuse me?" Alicia asked, defensively.

"That's bullshit," Mia muttered.

"It's true," Linda continued, "and if you would just understand that, you guys could be great friends. Something needs to change here, or we're never gonna win a challenge."

Mia rolled her eyes.

"Okay," said Jeff, "it's time to vote. But before we get to the vote, I would like to give Butch and Alicia each a chance to state their case. Convince these voters: why should you stay in this house? Butch, we'll start with you."

"Well," Butch addressed his fellow houseguests, "I don't wanna be the first one voted off. I feel like I've tried to motivate the team by bringing my banner and giving us our name... If I get voted out, I know it's because I've been collectin' all this firewood, but I'm only doing it for the good of the team."

"Alicia, state your case."

"Well," Alicia rubbed her hands together, "if you want to keep losing challenges, vote me off."

Mia looked into the cameras and shook her head, trying to hold back a laugh.

"Okay," Jeff said, "with that, it is time to vote. Darrah, our Head of Household, will not vote. Neither will Butch and Alicia, our two nominees. You will make your way to the diary room, where we've set up a voting station. Let's do this: Linda, you're up."

Linda rose from her seat and made her way to the diary room. She explained her vote to the cameras before placing it into the soup pot which served as a voting urn. Mia was next to vote. She picked up the pen and without hesitating, wrote down six letters.

"Alicia, I don't think I could stand another day living under the same roof as you. I hope I never see you again, and I'll talk to you soon."

She smirked as she placed her vote into the pot. She walked out of the diary room and made her way back to her seat. Dirk walked into the diary room to cast the final ballot. He thought for a while before writing down a name. He folded his vote, placed it into the pot, and took his seat.

"I'll go tally the votes," Jeff announced, making his way to the diary room.

Butch shook his head and pressed his lips together nervously. Alicia just sat still, her eyes staring dead ahead. And then finally, Jeff came back with the votes.

"Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The person voted out will have one minute to say goodbye, gather their belongings, and walk out the front door."

Butch took a deep breath.

"I'll read the votes."

Jeff pulled the first vote out of the soup pot and paused before revealing it.

"ALICIA," Jeff read a vote in Mia's large handwriting.

Alicia nodded.

"Second vote..." Jeff pulled out the next vote.

"Come on..." Mia thought to herself. "Please say Alicia." She knew that she had voted for Alicia, but what if Linda and Dirk had decided to keep her in? Dirk had been talking about voting for Butch, and Linda had given that whole speech about how they needed to learn to understand each other...

...But Mia's fears were allayed when Jeff flipped over the vote.

"ALICIA."

Mia smirked and looked over at Alicia.

"That's two, that's enough, you'll need to bring me your torch."

"All right," Alicia picked her duffel bag up from the floor before grabbing her torch and carrying it to Jeff.

"Alicia," Jeff lowered the snuffer, "the tribe has spoken."

"Good luck," Alicia wished her former teammates, "...you're gonna need it." She winked.

The houseguests got up from the couch and walked Alicia to the front door.

"No hard feelings, honey," Linda reached out to give Alicia a hug. "Are you gonna hug me this time?"

"It's all right!" Alicia laughed, returning the hug.

"You all right?" Dirk asked Alicia.

"I'm just fine, babe, thanks for asking," Alicia answered, giving him a hug. After hugging Dirk, she walked over to give one to Butch.

"Hey, good luck," Butch whispered.

"Thanks."

"Ah'm sorry," Darrah apologized, stretching her arms out to hug Alicia goodbye.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Alicia laughed, as she returned Darrah's hug. "No hard feelings."

Alicia turned and started making her way towards the door.

"Wait, Alicia," Mia walked up. "We're okay; no hard feelings, right?"

She reached out to give Alicia a hug.

"No thank you, honey," Alicia muttered, as she waved her finger.

"Alicia–"

"No. No. No. No."

"Fine then!"

Alicia slowly turned the knob and made her way out of the house.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!" Mia screamed, slamming the door. "Bitch."

Mia wore a huge smirk on her face as the five remaining members of Team Believe walked back to the sitting area.

"Three days in, and it's apparent that this team is off to a rough start," Jeff stated, once everybody had returned to their seats on the couch. "Maybe tonight's vote helped... One thing's for sure: you guys need to get your act together or I'll be seeing you here real soon."

Jeff let this sink in.

"Get a good night's sleep, guys. I'll be on my way."

Butch, Dirk, Darrah, Mia, and Linda remained seated, deep in thought, even minutes after Jeff had risen from his seat and made his way out the door. Was there really something to what Jeff had said? Would they keep losing to Team Slutty Vid? It would be embarrassing to be defeated by a team with a name like that... They would have to learn to come together as a team if they wanted to win; things weren't going to magically change just because Alicia was gone.

***

Alicia laughed as she walked into the studio in front of the two SurviviBrother houses.

"You can just drop your bag right there," Julie greeted. "How are you?"

"I'm just fine," Alicia shook hands with Julie, and the two sat down for an interview.

"First off," said Julie, "you gave everybody a hug except for Mia. What was that all about?"

"You know what," Alicia laughed, "I've never liked Mia; she's never liked me. We all knew that. And here she is trying to put her arm around me like we're suddenly friends now that I'm voted out? Give me a break. No, I wasn't going to hug her."

"You two really didn't like each other."

"No, we didn't," Alicia agreed. "I may dislike Mia even more than I do Kimmi... and that's saying a LOT."

"What was it that made it so hard for you two to get along?"

"I'm not really sure," Alicia answered. "Mia's just an extremely difficult person to get along with. First of all, she never did any work. And she was always going up to people and making up reasons to argue. I just didn't have as much patience for her as other people did."

"She likes to roll her eyes a lot, too," Julie added.

"Oh, God," Alicia groaned. "I wanted to POKE her eyeballs out every time I saw her do that."

Julie laughed.

"Well, one of the reasons you were chosen for this game is because of that famous finger. It got you in trouble the first time you played the game. Did you do any finger waggin' this time around?"

"Nobody will ever forget the finger!" Alicia laughed. "It follows me wherever I go. Yes, the finger did come out. I promised myself that I'd try to keep it in my pocket, but that's just not possible to do with someone like Mia around."

"Okay," Julie laughed. "Well, in the event that you were the one voted out, each of your houseguests taped a special goodbye message for you. Let's take a look."

"All right, bring it on."

Darrah: Alicia, ah' just wanted to say that even though we've had our differences, it's been nice playin' this game with you and gittin' to know you...

Dirk: Sorry, Alicia, had to do what was best for the team. But I thank the Lord for the person he created in you and for this opportunity I've had to get to know you. I'm sure He had a good reason for you to go tonight; I know He has a great plan for you... God bless.

Linda: You're an absolutely amazing woman, and I really enjoyed your company. But you were causing disharmony within the team, so you had to go. May the gods be with you.

Butch: Alicia, you're a great girl, very strong... I want to wish you very best...

Mia: Alicia, if you were voted out, all I have to say is good riddance. You were extremely condescending towards me and pretty much everyone here, and you were beginning to wear on the team... I can't stand you; I'm glad you're out.

"Surprised by Mia's comments?" Julie asked.

"Absolutely not. I wouldn't expect anything less from her."

"Well, before you go," Julie continued, "we have one last, *special* goodbye message for you, from the other team."

"Let's hear it."

Heidi: Hey Alicia, this is Heidi.

Jenna M: And this is her evil twin, Jenna.

Heidi: I guess if you're seeing this you know what the big twist is. We didn't get to play this game with you, but if we did, I know you would have been jealous of our cute bodies. So it's good that you left.

Jenna: You can't say that! Alicia's gonna hear this.

Heidi: Sorry. Anyway, good luck, Alicia and sorry you had to go.

Jenna: You have good abs.

Heidi: Bye!

"What was that all about?" Alicia asked, confused.

"Heidi and Jenna will be switching places every three days and pretending to be the same person," Julie informed her. "They haven't switched yet; tomorrow will be their first time."

"Nobody's gonna be stupid enough to fall for that," said Alicia.

"We'll see," Julie laughed. "Alicia, you didn't make it far enough to be part of our jury, but we'll still see you on Finale Night when we crown the *winner* of SurviviBrother."

"Thank you," Alicia shook hands with Julie again.

Julie stood up from her seat and faced the cameras.

"That's it for tonight. But stay tuned for the next episode when Heidi and Jenna switch places for the *first* time. Will any of the houseguests catch on? Find out next week on SurviviBrother."